For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 1

Word Vomit

This blog sequence has been several months in the making.  At one of my lowest points as a stay at home mom, that point when I was seriously contemplating throwing in the towel and shouting to the world that I am a failure and not cut out for this job, I sat down and wrote everything that was on my mind.

I ended up sending it as a letter to a few of my sisters in a cry for help titled "Deciphering Word Vomit."

After I sent it, my hands started shaking and my heart started racing at the fact that I had really just laid everything out there for someone else to read.  I felt scared and vulnerable.  I wasn't exactly sure what they would think of me, but I knew I needed help and had to turn to people I trusted.

After much prayer, contemplation, and comments from several people, I am sharing it for everyone to read today.
Scary and vulnerable? Yes!  But, I have hope that after seeing where I was and how I've been working through it, something I say might help someone else, so bare with me.

Feb. 5, 2013

I am just going to vent all of the negative things that are going through my head right now so I can get them out and maybe find what it is that is really getting to me.  I am not unhappy with my life, in fact in retrospect I have absolutely nothing to complain about and everything to be grateful for, but Heavenly Father must know that the monotony of my day to day uneventful life will be more of a challenge than any one large event, so this is my trial.

With that said, being a stay at home mom is not exactly my cup of tea.  I have a very hard time finding satisfaction in it.  Every so often my kids do something that makes me laugh and I feel joy for a fleeting moment, but it is fleeting.  Motivation is very hard for me to find.  I know my husband appreciates a clean house, dinner cooked, and laundry folded and put away but he definitely doesn't require it.  I do not find fulfillment in those things...so I have a hard time making myself do them, (especially when the house stays clean for exactly 1/10th of a second).  I am simply living each day waking up in the morning and waiting for night to come again.  I am not thriving and feel I am falling short of my potential.  I know this is a stage and I keep telling myself that, but then I feel like I am always waiting for something, I don't know exactly what I'm waiting for, but I'm waiting until this or that... I learned on my mission was a dangerous phrase that was and now I'm using it.  If one cannot find happiness in their current situation they will never be happy when this or that happens.  I wonder about my future and how long I am going to be in this exact situation because I know we are not done having kids and the thought of doing this for several more years scares me and depresses me.

I do not leave the house, there is not a need to, and quite frankly it is more work and more frustrating trying to get out the door than it is worth.  So I stay home and eat the day away.  I get bored and go to the fridge which is also a very unfulfilling thing.  And since I do not leave the house I rarely change out of my sweat pants, do my hair, and I’m actually lucky if I get a shower in.  I am easily irritated and quick tempered with my kids.  Bedtime is great, but then I wonder what to do with myself. Please tell me there are other people who struggle like I do because all I read about in peoples blogs are how much they love being a mom and being able to stay home with their kids.  This says to me in big fat letters on my forehead “FAILURE”.

I am not an independent person so I have never done well by myself.  Growing up, I was the youngest of 7 girls, so there was usually some sort of commotion. When all my sisters grew older and left the house I found companionship in friends and especially my best friend who is now my husband.  I used to be a social butterfly making friends easily, but I have been out of that world for so long now that I am awkward and shy away from social settings.  Talking to a 1 and 3 year old all day doesn't really lead you to deep conversations.  I find myself turning to Facebook for that social need and not only am disappointed by the lack of stimulation and mind numbing minutes I spend on it, but hate myself for the almost addiction I have created for myself.

Logically it would make sense then for me to find work outside the home, but every time I even think the thought, it is shot back down because this is something I have prayed about and I have received my answer time after time that I am supposed to stay home with my children.  I need help.  But I need the help that only I can offer myself.  I have no idea where or how to find that.  No one else is going to sit by me and make sure I’m getting enough rest, eating healthy and exercising, picking up my house, reading my scriptures, and spending quality time with my kids.  I have no one else to answer to but myself and that has never gone over very well.  I am not blessed with that intrinsic motivation as others are.  I get my “need to do” from others.  I have lived my entire life that way.  When I was young I did my homework and other things that I was supposed to because it was expected by my parents and my older siblings had set a bar for me to live by.  When I went to college I lived at a BYU standard, rule abiding, apartment and came home by curfew as to not get in trouble by my “apartment manager” or whatnot.  As a missionary, I had a handbook of strict rules clearly written out for me to follow step by step.  It was not difficult for me to follow those things.  I had to report my efforts every night to a district leader who reported to my mission president.  It has never been hard for me to keep the rules.  Today, however, I am left to myself to make and abide rules.  That is hard for me because I don’t know how high to set those standards.  I began with putting them too high. I made myself nuts and continually fell short.  Right now I think I am at the other end of the pendulum where if I don’t give myself any expectations then I can’t disappoint myself.  Well I’m disappointed at the end of the day anyway, so that doesn't work.

I love my children and all their needs are being met.  I try my best to be a good mom and offer them times for fun and learning, but sometimes I put them to bed for a nap or “quiet time” just so I can have a break from their never ending demands.  I asked my mom one time how she stayed home with 7 kids and she replied, “hobbies.”  Well, someone asked me the other day what my hobbies were and I honestly did not have an answer for them.  Oh dear!  There are things that I used to enjoy but don’t do anymore. I do enjoy crafting but finding time for it is one thing and the money for it is another. I also have a hard time justifying working on my crafts when the dishes are over flowing, the laundry is half dried and the floor is covered in toys.  Also, what am I doing them for?  Just to fill the time?  The projects I find for myself feel more like busy work that a school teacher assigns rather than something that engages and inspires.  I’m in a stay-at-home rut and need to find a way out of it!!! 

Things improve from here so please Continue Reading...
For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 2:
Words of Wisdom
For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 3:
Integrating 

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 2

Words of Wisdom
A compilation of advice from those who have
"been there."

A few of my sisters were heavenly angels in answer to my plea for help (actually all of them have been at one point or another throughout this).  I'm so grateful for their constant support.  I have tried to coordinate and summarize some of their suggestions.

1. You are not alone!  

There are many other mothers who feel the same way you are feeling.  We all have different challenges but we are all struggling and trying to work through it the best we can.  Parenting is HARD.  Some mothers thrive during the baby and toddler ages and some do not. Some mothers thrive during the older years and some do not.  That's ok.  Luckily children go through phases.

"All I ever wanted to be was a mother, and I am constantly reminded at how very unnatural this mothering thing is to me. It is a daily, constant, struggle."

Also remember that social networks like Facebook and blogs tend to over emphasize the positive and inaccurately diminish the negative so we are left feeling like Miss So and So is superwoman while we're over here trying to keep the laundry folded.  It's simply not true.

2. Get Dressed

You've heard the term "dress for success."  Well the same applies at home.  Dress like your are prepared to face the day's challenges.  If you dress like a lousy sack of potatoes you're going to feel like a lousy sack of potatoes.  There are some days when you may never leave the house (most days for me) but it still makes a difference in how you feel about yourself if you get ready.  Be patient with yourself since taking a shower when you have kids can be like an Olympic event.
"Taking a shower, getting dressed everyday, doing my hair and putting my make up on everyday makes me feel good.  Sometimes the shower, hair, and make-up has to be done in stages rather than all at once:)"
Also in this category... Make your bed.  I've never been a bed maker.  I'm just going to get back in it so why make it, right?  But it really does make a difference.  Try it.  You'll see.

3. Be Social
"Being social (at least twice a week) is HUGE for me.  I need interaction with other people.  If there is not something regularly happening, I have needed to create it.  Be persistent at inviting people to do things and don't take it personally if people can't join you."
"You HAVE to make friends!!!!"
"We have to help each other.  We need to hear that what we're going through is normal and we're not alone. We need to hear other people's ideas of how to get your child to stop (fill in the blank), and others need to hear from you!  We mommies have to stick together, but you're going to have to invite people, not wait for someone to notice or invite you."

"People need people. And it's okay to show our weaknesses and humanness to others. We don't have to put on brave faces and do this all alone and let people think we've got it all under control." 

"I decided that my hobby was being social. I went to any social event I could."

4. Exercise

"FIND an exercise friend!!!"

"Exercise makes a HUGE difference in one's health, attitude, outlook, depression, etc."

"Ok, this next one is always the hardest for me! No matter how much I do it and how much of a habit it has become it is always hard to make myself exercise (2-3 times a week).  There is nothing I enjoy about it.  Even though I never enjoy it while I am doing it, I have been consistent enough over the last several years to recognize that my well-being as a person is better when I am doing regular exercise.  It takes so much will power and there are a million excuses we can come up with why we cannot do it but for me, I know I feel better when I do. Although I my not in the moment or even in that very day.  But if I look at a month where I did regular exercise verses a month where I did not, I felt better overall during the month I did than the month I didn't."

"I know leaving the house may seem like too much work to make it worth it, but when I had preschoolers, I made a big effort to leave the house every morning, no matter what the reason. It gave us something to look forward to, to do, to get dressed and ready for, and most of all a routine that we could all stick to."

"I have learned that my daughter has a better disposition the mornings that we leave the house and go to the gym than the mornings we don't (even though she complains about going sometimes)."
"Keep healthy stuff around that's easy to snack on: fruit, nuts, yogurt, string cheese. DON'T buy ice cream, candy, crackers."

5. Seek professional help

If you have tried everything you can and are still not feeling better, get help.  Depression is real.  You do not need to feel ashamed or embarrassed about it.  Hormonal and chemical imbalances are real.  If you cannot get through it yourself seek out those with the knowledge and ability to do so.

Continue Reading...

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 1:

Word Vomit

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 3:

Integrating

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 3

Integrating
This is how I have tried to work the advice into my own life.

1. You're Not Alone
I have had to tell myself, "It's ok! This is Normal," about 3,485,000 times since I started working on being a happy and productive stay at home Mom.
I am not alone.
But it took me reaching out to others before I was really able to believe that.

2. Get Dressed
I started small.  That very first week, the only thing I focused on was getting ready every day and making my bed.  I'm not even joking, that was my only goal and I wasn't even perfect at it that week. But, I got better.  I started realizing that because I was already dressed and ready for the day that I was more willing to leave the house.  It didn't seem like that crazy of an idea.
Also, before this, getting Leilani to put her clothes on was a constant daily battle.  Well, once I was dressed and ready, problem solved.  I was leading by example.  DUH!  Why did it not occur to me that of course my toddler would not want to get dressed if her Mom wasn't even going to, (Sigh) I guess we each learn at our own pace:)
I think I was just so used to my house being the place where I wear my lounge clothes.  Never in my life have I just always been home.  I've been a social person before and have been going to school and working.  I have had to change my perspective because now my home is my job.

3. Be Social
This took some extra stepping out of my comfort zone, but I realized that this was the area I was lacking most in my life and that was pulling me down the hardest.  I didn't know of anything going on in my neighborhood so I had to create it.
I sent an invitation to mothers I knew around the area to come to a play group at my house.

I have now made and continue building friendships that I would not have otherwise.
There's a different group of people each week depending on who can make it, but we have a lot of fun and it is so good to talk to other adults, especially Moms who are in the same situation as me. If you have a Tuesday you want to join us, please come:)

4. Exercise
I cannot take credit for this one at all.  A friend from my ward asked if anyone wanted to exercise with her in the mornings and I jumped right on that!  A friend AND an exercise buddy.  I was so excited!  She keeps me motivated to get up in the mornings and we help each other try to work a little bit harder each time.  It's very casual but it fits my needs and I really do feel better the days we get together than the days we don't.

5. Seek Help

My help came in the form of an Energy Kinesiologist.  It is a natural alternative type of medicine.  There are no pills or prescriptions involved which was the biggest enticement to me since I was nursing.  It has been a wonderful experience going to her and learning more about myself and my body.  Empowering is the word that comes to mind.  You are more than welcome to contact me (in fact PLEASE contact me) if you would like a referral.

Of course I still have good days and bad days.  But as far as my overall attitude and outlook of my current life situation goes, I'm happy to be where I am and am just working little by little to improve.
The greatest thing about that first letter I wrote was that instead of those feelings pushing me down, they were trying to push me forward into changes that would be better for my life.  I was ready to make those changes, so please don't read this and think "Oh crap! I'm not doing that either! I guess I better add that to my list of a million other things I need to work on."  These are just things that worked for me, and if they help, awesome!
We can get through this crazy time together:)

Missed the first posts?  Continue Reading...

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 1:

Word Vomit

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 2:

Words of Wisdom

My Conference Lesson

I love General Conference weekend!

I remember the first time I really looked forward to it was as a missionary.  I ate up every word!  Afterward, we had a meeting with my mission president who asked if we enjoyed it.  When we all enthusiastically exclaimed we loved it, his response was, "You guys are weird!"  I remember being slightly taken back that he'd be calling his little army of missionaries weird, but then when you think about it, we are!!

How many people would honestly say that they loved sitting and listening to 8 hours (10 for the men) of lecture?  I never did before.  We truly are a peculiar people.  But it's not exactly the 8 hours of lecture that is exciting.  In fact, I have been put to sleep more times than I care to mention by these wonderful men's soft lulling voices.  

So, no, it's not the sitting for 8 hours that I love, but the feeling I get when I here truth. And General Conference is packed full of it!

I am a person who doesn't carry much faith in my own abilities.  Something I am working on.  I would like to believe that I have talents and skills to offer others and most importantly my children, but often times am discouraged when I continually fall short.

Conference seems to change that.

I get the feeling that the leaders of our Church truly believe in us.  Truly believe that we can achieve great things individually and as a whole because they know who they put their faith in.

Our Savior.

The feeling that someone else believes in me is something I crave.  I require validation.  It's like hitting the refresh button every 6 months.  So yes, I look forward to it, and yes, I was definitely needing it this weekend.

Well, let me tell you how THIS particular conference went.

Targhee had to work Saturday morning and as much of a bummer that is, it is the reality of our life right now. 

So I get the kids up and ready and set up my computer in front of a work table right in the middle of the play room thinking how brilliant a plan that was.  I would be with the kids in their element.  They would be happily playing around at my feet and conference would just be going on in the background.  I can hear you laughing already.

We had prepared Leilani the night before getting her excited that the prophet was going to speak to us.  It worked.  She woke up and said, "Is it time? Is he here?"  I realized she misunderstood and explained that we would just be listening to him on the computer.  She ran into the playroom and listened for a few minutes saying things like "He said Heavenly Father."  "I pray too!" But her sweet little three year old enthusiasm was soon encompassed by boredom. 

TJ, on the other hand, never once caught the excitement.  All I had to do was print out my "conference packet" for him to start whining.  Just the very appearance that my attention would be directed elsewhere brought his little one year old self into despair. 

It was 11:00am.  A whole hour since the beginning of conference when we all lost it.

I picked up TJ and tossed him (lightly) in his crib (for "time out") then went to my own room and shut the door for my own time out, all in one swift movement.  I proceeded the bawl hysterically while hearing TJ do the same and Leilani whining in confusion of what just happened.  I didn't understand.  Why, when I had such a righteous desire to hear the words of the Prophet in order to be a better mother, was I failing horribly at that very thing?  I prayed for guidance.  What do I do now Lord?

"Turn off Conference."

WHAT?? 

But when I tried to protest, I was reminded that this was not the only chance I would get to listen to it.  There would be the Ensign and the mormonchannel that would have their talks word for word for me to review at a more spiritually conducive time.

I slowly got up, collected myself, turned off conference and took my children outside.

As I now ponder on this experience I realize that the Lord is trying to teach me a valuable lesson.  My children are the most important thing in my life right now and even more than that, they are the most important thing to Him.  Whatever personal agendas I may have are irrelevant when it comes to the needs of my children. 

Boy that's a hard thing for me. And I'm afraid I will be learning this lesson over and over throughout my life.

But, as difficult as being a mother is, I am grateful for these learning opportunities that help me grow in understanding of our Heavenly Father's will and love for his children.

I was also able to watch the afternoon session much more peacefully during TJ's nap:)
My perspective is so limited.

I know we have a Heavenly Father who watches over us and understands our desires and needs.  He answers our prayers, even if it is not in the way we had originally planned on.  His way is always greater. 

Perspective

While cleaning the seemingly never ending windows and mirrors in this house, I realized that someday I'm going to miss these, the hand-prints that is, not the mirrors and windows:)

A Place to Vent my Ailments

My family is so sick of hearing me complain and yet I don't quite feel finished complaining so...alas I turn to you!

Don't you feel lucky:)

Maybe this will cure me of my pity party though.

Man this last month has been a tough one.

To put it lightly

I feel like CRAP!

And quite frankly, I'm sick of feeling like crap, but how do you ignore the fact that, well, you feel like crap?

I wear my feelings on my sleeve so it's hard for me to put on that "everything is fine" face, when it probably is the best thing for me to do because maybe I'll actually start believing it myself.

What's really sad is that I know that it's all very trivial. 

But doesn't it just feel good to have someone say, "Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry!  Let me rub your feet" :)

Oh, that only happens in the movies?

OK

Well, then, let's just get started.

I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant.

What pregnant woman says, "Oh ya!  I feel great!" at 36 weeks?

By the way, if you know one, I don't want to meet her cuz I'll probably punch her in the face:)

There is just simply not enough room!

And yet...the baby keeps growing.

"itty bitty living space"

Don't get me wrong, this is exactly what I want to happen.  I want my child fully cooked before he greets us, but my aunt once said, "That is why the last month of pregnancy is so difficult.  It's so that you are willing to go through ANYTHING to get that baby out of you!" She is wise:)

So continuing my pregnancy woes, my legs and feet are just beginning to swell.

Not near to the point of my last pregnancy, and for that I am grateful, but any sort of swelling of the body is uncomfortable and makes it very difficult to move.

With that, the insides of my feet have decided to bruise.

I noticed this the other day when I had to put shoes on

LOL- yes, it has been that long since I have had to put on shoes.

My schedule is very grueling lately:)

Also, my entire pregnancy I have been dealing with hip/pelvic/sciatic pain and it only increases the larger my front grows.

What else you say?

Well, starting Dec 28, 2011 (yes I know the exact date because that is the day our family went to Temple Square and I distinctly remember coming home with a runny nose that night) anyway, I started a cold.  I don't know if I would call it a cold, I am just going to jump right to sinus infection.  I get one at least once a year and I was due, but I didn't do anything about it.

Silly me.

I thought it would just kinda, ya know, go away.

Ha Ha Ha!

The day I finally went to the doctor I started coughing.

Now having a cold/cough is miserable enough on it's own, which you all know, but I don't know how many of you have had a cough while being in their ninth month of pregnancy. Let me just tell you it is no sleigh ride.

Each cough rips another overly stretched stomach muscle. So, in attempts to keep my stomach in tact I overcompensated on the tightening of the back muscles which has therefore concluded in bruised and torn rib muscles.

Have you ever tried moving WITHOUT using rib muscles?

It is seriously impossible! 

So each move I make reminds me that I am in pain and that I should do nothing but sit on the couch pathetically motionless.

Have you ever tried sitting on the couch pathetically motionless with a 2 year old at your feet?

It is seriously impossible!

SO

I am on my second round of antibiotics (which appear to be doing nothing except causing me symptoms of an upcoming yeast infection, cuz guess who is highly susceptible to yeast infections. YUP! Me!) my second round of nasal spray, leaving me still unable to breath, an inhaler, and an empty bag of Halls.

Oh, and p.s.! 

You can't take antacids while on antibiotics so my acid reflux has returned with a vengeance.

Do you feel bad for me yet?

Cuz I'm going to stop now.

I know all good things will come of this and I am trying to bear my burdens patiently, but coming on six weeks, somethings gotta give!

On a happier note: 

This is what I did while trying to feel productive in a sitting position.

And this is what my Mom made.

She's pretty fantastic like that.

I love everything about this quilt!

At least my baby will be warm:)

"I love having parented"

This woman speaks words of truth that come from my own heart and apparently the hearts of many other mothers/parents:)

Enjoy!

Don't Carpe Diem

(My sister sent this to me, I loved it, so of course I had to share it too:)

Now What?

Today I'm feeling slightly lost and overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed? You ask!  How on earth could you be overwhelmed?

You just finished school.  You are staying home with your daughter patiently awaiting the 9 more weeks until your new little boy comes and you live with your mom.  How much more UNDERWHELMED could you be?

Well...
I've just entered into a completely new stage of life today and I'm not quite sure what to do with it or where to start.

My strongest emotion right now is that I miss my sweet little girl.
She has been a mean mean two year old monster machine lately and I really would like to have my easy going, fun loving girl back.
I am making her another video for her two year birthday and watching all of her sweetness from the past year which is probably the main reason why I'm feeling this way right now.
I know it's a stage, and this too shall pass, but I am feeling slightly out of the driver's seat.  I'm not quite sure what to do or how to help her return to happiness.
Even in her sleep she will yell profanities of "Noo!  Don't take it!!" and "Don't touch me!!"
You all may laugh and say, "Been there. Done that."  But it makes me a little sad and I am trying to be patient as we work through the terribly-independent-possessive-non-sharing-temper-tantrum twos.
p.s. she doesn't even turn two until next Monday so hopefully she'll move through this quickly:)

My next feeling can best be explained by this...


I have just completed a goal I've been working on almost my whole life.
It's a wonderful feeling, but now I need to make new goals, plan new schedules, and organize what I would like to do from here.
AND
if you have just seen the last few posts you can see that it has been pretty busy around here so there hasn't been a lot of time to think about it.
Well, today it's quiet.
So it's time for the thinking to begin.
I just need a minute to regroup as I transition into full time motherhood.
Disclaimer:  I may not feel like this tomorrow.  A mixture of lack of sleep, sinus infection, pregnancy hormones, and my family leaving all at the same time may contribute to my current thought processes.

Party of 4

Other than the regular aches, pains, and discomforts, I've been pretty oblivious to this pregnancy.

I was even asked the other day how many weeks I was and I honestly had no idea.

(Don't worry, I went straight home and checked my calendar:)

I guess that's really the way to go.  It makes the time go by much faster.

BUT

The other day I did something that made me stop and go, "huh!"

I made and hung another stocking for our little guy.

I stared at the display for quite a while letting the idea sink in.

We are going to be a family of FOUR!

What on earth do I know about taking care of two kids?

My one wears me completely out as it is!

Time to prepare myself for another jump in the learning curve:)

Closure

I am finally coming to an end of a chapter in my life.

School.

And I couldn't be happier about it!

I know that I could keep going if I'd like, but that's the best part... "if I'd like."

Right now I am completely content to be getting my Bachelor's Degree.

I started college Fall of 2004 and now finally 7 years later am getting my degree.

You'd think I was just being lazy taking seven years to get a degree, but when you think about everything I have accomplished in those seven years, I'd say I did pretty darn good!

I spent a semester in China, got an Associates Degree, went on a year and a half mission to DC, got married, and had a child...and a half:)

After finding out that we were expecting Leilani, the idea of finishing school seemed very daunting to me.  I knew that we have been told by the Brethren to get an education but we've also been told to not postpone our family.  But, they don't really go into detail about how you are supposed to do these things simultaneously.

I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.  When I started college, I had no idea what I wanted to major in because if anyone ever asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up my answer was always, "A mother." 

After Leilani was born I stayed home with her for 7 months before returning back to school and can honestly say that those were some of the hardest seven months of my life.  Staying at home was not everything I had dreamed it would be.  It was hard work:)
Going to school at that time was exactly what I needed to get out of the new mom rut I was in.

P.S. I have to add that going back was only possible because of my amazing Mother.  I would not be graduating if it were not for her service and support.  She has watched Leilani for a year and a half.  She is a huge blessing in our lives for which I do not have adequate words to express my gratitude.

But, then I came back home this last summer knowing exactly what I was getting into by being a stay-at-home mom.
So I had a plan.
I was amazed by how much I did not know about my child.  I had been around, but not really there in her life.  I had to relearn her style and the stage she was in.  The day I was down on the ground playing with her I will never forget the look she gave me as if she couldn't believe that I was really there, as if she was seeing me for the first time and I was seeing her for the first time.  I cried as I thought about the sacrifices I had made to pursue my education and seriously doubted my decision to return even though all I had left was one semester of student teaching.
We soon became best friends playing and learning together.  I loved my summer with her so much.  But the time did come for me to return.  We moved in with my parents so that my mom could watch Leilani in her own home and I wouldn't have to worry about my long hours. 
Leilani was mad at me for quite a while.  She didn't want anything to do with me when I came home from school for those first few weeks.  I guess she figured if I was just going to leave then it was better if she acted like she didn't want to be with me at all.  
Again I cried.
Those first few weeks of student teaching were very hard.  I was still sick from being in the first trimester of pregnancy, adjusting to a new living situation, and basically working full time- with no pay:)
I asked a friend of mine who is a first grade teacher how she did it every single day.  She replied, "I do it because I love it."
I had to agree with her that the only way anyone could be a teacher and do what a teacher does day in and day out was truly if they loved it.  I do love teaching, but at this stage in my life, I realized that I love my daughter more and that being home with her was the most important thing I could do for our family.
My heart ached each morning I waved good-bye to my little girl.
But we adjusted again, and made it through student teaching with flying colors.  I enjoyed my placements and learned so much from being "in charge" of a classroom.

Some people may judge (everyone always has an opinion, right) and say that I am wasting my education by not choosing to work, but I cannot think of a better way to apply everything I've learned than to teach my own children.
So with that I am saying WOOHOO!!
Let's celebrate!

And since I always like to add some pictures, especially if you just sat and read that entire post, my friend took some graduation pictures for me.
Thank you Sierra!!

Our family bracelet.

We get to wear it during special events in our lives.

This is my scholarly look.

Very thoughtful and reflective.

Isn't that what you're supposed to look like after becoming a college graduate?

Conference Reflections

Can I just tell you that I love Conference!

It seems like every six months I get stuck in this hole of negativity and blahs and then conference rolls around and I feel so much better.

There was so much wonderful advice it's always a little overwhelming to think about, but like Elder Holland said, if we listen to the Spirit there will be something that will speak just too us.

I was really struck by Elder Robbin's talk.

He started out with, "To be or not to be, is actually a very good question"  he then went on to talk about people who are being without doing and people who are doing without being and how both are hypocrites.  He talked about teaching Christlike attributes to our children by focusing on the "be" instead of the "do."  For example, if they get good grades, instead of rewarding the good grades praise the diligence and ability to stay on task.

That is something that I need to do for myself as well as for my daughter.

Sometimes I get so down because I do not have physical evidence of the things I have "done" but the things I should be really focusing on is the "who I'm becoming" by "being" who I want to be.  That is not so easily seen or checked off by a check list, like he stated.

(I live and abide by check lists by the way.)

He also reminded me to think of the children that require patience, (Leilani, eh hem), as a blessing to help me become more Christlike.

She definitely has been a blessing in my life and has definitely tested my patience.  But I am grateful for the opportunity to grow in that part of my life that has been so long neglected.

Thank goodness for the organization of Christ's true church on the earth again!

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Isn't it funny how if one thing goes wrong there seems to be a domino effect for the rest of the day.

Well that was my day.

I like to eat my cereal while I check my email in the mornings and Leilani likes to hover at my feet begging for bites.

Apparently I wasn't being efficient enough because she reached up and got her little fingers over the edge of my bowl and tipped the whole thing over

Milk and frosted mini wheats went splashing down my computer desk on my pants and onto the carpet while I screamed, "No No No!"

She had no idea what she had just done so I tried not to get upset at her.

Welp, no use crying over spilled milk... ba ha!

Later that day I was fixing her hair and noticed it was time to give her bangs a trim.

She has somehow developed a fear of scissors because as soon as I pulled them out she started freaking out.

So I wrestled with her to try and cut her bangs.

Never a good idea.

The bangs got cut too short and completely crooked.

Welp, hair grows back.

Nap time.

Leilani's not interested in falling asleep.

She's usually very good about bed time, whether it's at night or for a nap.

I know, I'm spoiled.

but she fought and fought it.

I finally got her to sleep thinking that I have at least a good 2 hours to get some things done.

The house needed cleaning desperately

I needed cleaning, desperately:)

I needed to make some cakes for my Mom's birthday

I had some homework that I knew I wouldn't get to any other time

I was speaking in church the next day and needed to work on my talk

Hmmm...what do I start with first?

(that's always my biggest issue, by the way)

I started with the house.

Room clean...check.

kitchen picked up...check.

Now for the bathroom.

I was scrubbing away at the sink when I heard noises from Leilani's room

What?  NO!  It's only been an hour!

Welp, not much you can do about that.

Targhee got home from work and I put him on Leilani duty while I started making the cakes.

I should have expected from the previous events of the day that my endeavours in the kitchen wouldn't be any different.

I started with the carrot cake.

My mom loves carrot cake.

Everything was going really well.

I got a yummy recipe from HERE

I should have also remembered that I'm not a very good mulitasker in the kitchen.

I was making chocolate cupcakes as well so in case some of the family didn't like carrot cake there would be more options

I got a yummy recipe for cupcakes from HERE

And you know how recipes have specific orders to add the ingredients in?

Well apparently it's important to follow that because if you don't, this happens

It may not look like anything is wrong but this is supposed to be CHOCOLATE cake batter.

Of course I started stressing out and Targhee tried to sooth my worries and said "Why don't you just try cooking it like that?"

You can't tell very well from this picture but there are lumps of cocoa in the batter

I asked him if he had ever tasted cocoa before.

He hadn't so I took the opportunity to give him a taste:)

It's horrible!!

I said, "If I cook it like this you are going to bite into a clump of that!"

He agreed that I better just throw it away and start over.

So I did.

I didn't have enough ingredients so off to the store we went.

I started over and

See the difference?

So after about a six hour interval I had finally finished my cakes.

Sheesh!

I asked Targhee to remind me never to volunteer to cook for my family again.

It stresses me out too much:)

Things that make me smile

Leilani finishing the end of "I am a Child of God" when I say, "to live with Him some..." she says, "DAY!"

Targhee walking in the door to come home from work.

Hearing Leilani's laugh when Targhee plays with her.

Watching the kids at school choose to do something nice for each other.

Even just the slightest peak from the sun.

Leilani clapping and dancing every time she hears music.

Leilani pointing to a picture and saying "Jesus"

Cereal.

Seeing Leilani smile and say "Hi" when I go get her from her crib.

Watching Leilani say "Hi" to EVERYONE we pass.

Snuggles.

Watching Targhee give Leilani a bath.

Friends- the show and the real thing:)
Reading to Targhee before bed.
Family Home Evening.
It's an incomplete list, but this is what I'm thinking of right now.

Well that's a first

I should know by now that when it gets very quiet something that should not be happening is probably happening.

*Sigh*

On a happier note, this is my attempt to bring Spring in a little more quickly.

Ya, I'm done with the snow and cold and stuff.

I even opened my windows and turned off my heater just to prove I was D.U.N. done!

I'm paying for it tonight though.

My little toes are freezing!

Just Not Feelin It

So I've started my 5 weeks of student teaching for Level 3 in my Elementary Ed courses and I'm really bummed to admit that I'm just not feelin it.

In the past years, being in the elementary is what I've looked forward to.

It reminds me of why I am still going to school.

I love being in the classroom.

I love being with the kids.

I get the "Ya, this is where I'm supposed to be" feeling.

But, this year just isn't clicking for me.

I don't know if it's a rub off of how I've been feeling this whole semester or what.

My head hasn't been in the game.

I'm just going through the motions just to get it over with.

I'm really hoping this Spring Break will give me that extra umph I need to get through the rest of this semester.

Or...perhaps all I need is this music video:)

Feelings

I'm one of those people that tell it all.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I'm not a sugar coater.

And I've also recently found out about myself that I have to talk out my problems.

I don't really want the person on the listening end to solve my problems.

I can do that on my own if they will just listen long enough.

But that takes a lot of patience.

Which is one of the reasons I love my husband so much.

He is often on the listening end of my Woes and Woohoos!

Anyway, that was a very long way to go about introducing my next few thoughts but just bare with me as all of you have now volunteered to be my listening end.

*Deep sigh*

Here we go.

One of my biggest struggles in life is myself.

I know I know everyone is their worst critic.

But mine goes a little deeper than that.

I am blessed to not be tempted by the world of drugs, alcohol, and sex but we all must face challenges in this life and they all come a little differently.

Mine can't really be seen by people around me.

Mine come from the inner most parts of my own head.

My perception of myself and my perception of my inadequacies hold me back and trip me up WAY more than I would even like to admit to myself.

I have recently been faced with one of the biggest challenges of my life thus far.

Motherhood.

It is becoming more and more evident as time goes on that my daughter is gifted.

I know I'm a first time mom and every first time mom thinks their baby is the smartest, cutest, funniest, most adorable thing on the planet, but this isn't just coming from my own motherly pride.

There is a special spirit about my daughter that I cannot describe with words.

Even before she was born I knew that Heavenly Father had an important plan for my child.

She did not come here by my terms.  She was meant to come to earth at this time for a specific purpose.

That feeling has only deepened as I have watched her develop into the exeptionally smart, loving, happy, easy going person that she is.

Something in her beautiful, deep, hopeful eyes tells me that she also knows that she has a special purpose.

So...what seems to be the problem, you ask?

Well.

That knowledge terrifies me.

My insecurities tell me that I'm not good enough or prepared enough or capable enough to make sure that she fulfills that potential.

Even while I'm typing this tears of fear and anxiety fill my eyes.

I know Heavenly Father trusts me enough to send her to me or he would not have done so, but Heavenly Father will also not take away our agency.

Do I have the strength to do what it takes to step up to the plate for this calling?

Are my own selfish worries going to hinder the progression of my daughter?

Do I have the strength to change the things in my life to be the example to my daughter that she needs so that I don't have to say "Do as I say and not as I do"?

The only answer I can give to that, is I hope so.

It will not be easy.  And that may be my biggest hold up.  I know it will be hard.  The procrastinator inside of me says you can wait just a little bit longer to change.  But no I can't! 

"Yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors...for after this day of life, which is given us to prepare for eternity, behold, if we do not improve our time while in the life, then cometh the night of darkness, wherein there can be no labor performed...For behold, if ye have procrastinated the day of your repentance even until death, behold, ye have become subjected to the spirit of the devil"
Alma 34:32-35

I know these things.

The question that has been haunting my mind the past couple of days is "Why do I do what I do, when I know what I know?"

I hope I can change that to say, "I do what I do BECAUSE I know what I know."

But,this is how spiritual progression works, and I need to trust that the Lord knows how to help me overcome.

What I have to face has already been faced and defeated.

So I guess the only thing left to say is

Bring It On!

(p.s. see I told you I could work through it myself if you would just listen long enough:)
(I also feel it important to add, that I don't think my daughter is the only child who was sent with a specific purpose at this time.  The children being born now have truly been saved for these last days.  They are strong willed personalities that are equipped for the war they are fighting against the world.  I think it just calls for the parents to raise the bar and that is always a scary hurdle to look upon)

BLAH!

I don't know if it's the weather.

Could be.

I don't know if it's stress.

Could be.

I don't know if it's hormones.

Could be.

But I feel blah!

I'm tired all the time.

Except right now it's 2:15am and I can't sleep.

hmmmm...

My mom took Leilani home today so that I could focus on my homework.

Focus.

Ha!

That's a joke.

I can't focus on anything right now.

I ate a whole snickers today.

Pretty sure that's not part of the diet.

Who cares about a diet right now?

That's what I say.

(Ok I don't really say that.  I know I care, but I just don't wanna right now)

I think I need to read this book

and take a sleeping pill.

Except I don't take sleeping pills.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Twilight

I know what you're thinking

"That was SO last year"

Yes, I'm a little behind the times,

but le' me esplain.

I got home from my mission August of 2008 and started school four days later.

That semester I was taking a children's literature class and my teacher was explaining the importance of having a broad spectrum of books in your classroom library.

Cotton candy is what she called books with no depth.

Just pure fluff.

She said those books were fine for those children who probably won't pick up a meat and potatoes book, but they can pick up some cotton candy anywhere.  You want to have the meat and potatoes in your classroom.

She then asked who had read "Twilight"

Me being fresh off the mish had no idea what she was talking about and didn't raise my hand.

I looked around the classroom and immediately felt two inches tall.

I was, by no exaggeration, the ONLY person in the entire class who had not read the book.

She then asked what they learned from that book.

No one spoke.

Not one person could come up with a single thing they had learned.

Cotton candy.

Well, me with my post missionary mind set immediately through that book out the window.

To me, entertainment was considered evil and a waste of time.

Later when the movie came out, Targhee and I went to see it just to find out what all the hullabaloo was about.

We laughed ourselves to sleep that night at the pure sappy, cheesy, ridiculousness of it all.

For the life of me I couldn't see what the huge obsession was all about.

I've never been one to follow the crowd so just the pure fact that 80% of the population was up in arms about it turned me off.

Fast forward a few years.

I'm still in school.

I'm a mom.

I have extra time that I wasn't planning on having this semester

(which I was filling up with spider solitaire lol :)

I wanted to be entertained.

WHAT?

Yes, I've since calmed the eccentric mission monster and enjoy being entertained.

So, I picked it up.

AND

I really enjoyed it.

No, I was not given any life lessons from it.

But it is entertaining.

Sappy? Cheesy? Ridiculous?

Yes!

Although the poor quality acting in the movie make the sappy parts WAY worse than the book ever intended.

But in all fairness.  I read over 400 pages in less than a week.

I don't do that!

So kudos to Stephanie Meyer for knowing how to entertain:)

Am I going to join a team and have their faces tatooed on my arm?

I don't think so.

But I will add it to my list of favorite books to read.

Spider Solitaire

So I started playing Spider Solitaire over Christmas break since I didn't seem to have anything serious pressing on my time and lining cards in chonological order seemed like an ok thing to do.

I've always been partial to the "easy" game with all black cards of one suit but one day Targhee looked over and said, that game is too easy for you, you need to do the two suit game.

Woah!

So, I tried it, and with a little bit of coaching from him,
I won! 

Well, ever since then I have had a ridiculous obsession with Spider Solitaire.

While cooking dinner, I think to myself, "this needs to sit for 10 minutes, that gives me just enough time to play some solitaire."

While taking a shower I think, "I need to relax for a second after I get out, maybe I'll play a game of solitaire."

Before doing my homework, "maybe a quick game of solitaire will help me focus better."

It's like the need to get ALL of the cards organized has somehow come up on my list of things to get done and I'm stressed if I don't get it done.

Lame?

Yes! Yes, it is:)

 As if playing a game of solitaire will really help me focus better before doing my homework- no it's really just me procrastinating just a LITTLE bit longer before actually doing my homework.  Which is actually what this post is as well:)

So, fellow procrastinators, pull out the drawer that has been driving you nuts for months and reorganize it.
Fold those fitted sheets in the fancy way that takes twice as long.

Do the dishes by hand instead of putting them in the dishwasher because it makes you feel productive when you have no desire to actually be productive

and play your spider solitaire game 8 times before you actually win

because

homework can wait:)

Actually, no, no it can't which is why I end up staying up way to late doing it, but does that stop me?  Nope;)

10 Things I've learned since becoming a mom

1. Spending time with my child is the most important thing. 
It's easy for me to get caught up in the things I have to do (or want to do), and sometimes feel annoyed that Leilani is whining at my feet, but one day it hit me that the reason she was whining was because I wasn't spending time with her.  After that, I've tried to make her the very first priority by getting her involved in what I was doing, (because there are things that I do have to do) so she didn't feel neglected.

2. The gospel of Jesus Christ and his plan is true. 
I didn't just learn this in the last year, but my testimony of it has definitely been strengthened.

3. Use nap time wisely. 
It took me a little while to get this one.  In fact, I'm still learning it.  But, whether it's cleaning the house, taking a shower, taking a nap, or doing homework, those few hours are precious.

4. Laugh!
Situations can easily get thrown out of proportion in the moment, but if I can just remember to laugh about it.  Nothing is really that bad.

5. It's ok! 
I don't have to be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect homemaker, the perfect visiting teacher, the perfect anything... in fact, I won't be.  My dishes won't always get done, my house won't always look well put together, my little girl won't always have bows in her hair... and it's ok!

6. Always plan an hour longer to get ready than you think you should.
 I don't know if I've been on time for anything since becoming a Mom.

7. Make time for your husband. 
It has been so important for Targhee and I to go out every once in a while just the two of us.  It gives us a few minutes to leave behind the business of life and remember how much we enjoy each other.  A happy mom and dad make happy children.

8. Take time for yourself.
Simple as that.  My projects have provided some much needed me time.                  

9. Raising a child is hard work!
There is no sick leave, no vacation time, no leaving the office, I am a mom 24/7 whether I want to be at that moment or not:)  and beleive me there are times that I wish I could drop kick Leilani out the door, but then pay day comes, (a snuggle or a kiss, a sweet giggle and happy smile), and being a Mom is the best thing in the whole world.

10. Don't be afraid.
I'm still trying to learn this.  Every time a new stage or phase comes means change and I've never been a huge fan of change, probably because of the fear of the unknown, but so far each change has brought new learning and growth.  So future come what may...and I will learn to love it!