For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 1

Word Vomit

This blog sequence has been several months in the making.  At one of my lowest points as a stay at home mom, that point when I was seriously contemplating throwing in the towel and shouting to the world that I am a failure and not cut out for this job, I sat down and wrote everything that was on my mind.

I ended up sending it as a letter to a few of my sisters in a cry for help titled "Deciphering Word Vomit."

After I sent it, my hands started shaking and my heart started racing at the fact that I had really just laid everything out there for someone else to read.  I felt scared and vulnerable.  I wasn't exactly sure what they would think of me, but I knew I needed help and had to turn to people I trusted.

After much prayer, contemplation, and comments from several people, I am sharing it for everyone to read today.
Scary and vulnerable? Yes!  But, I have hope that after seeing where I was and how I've been working through it, something I say might help someone else, so bare with me.

Feb. 5, 2013

I am just going to vent all of the negative things that are going through my head right now so I can get them out and maybe find what it is that is really getting to me.  I am not unhappy with my life, in fact in retrospect I have absolutely nothing to complain about and everything to be grateful for, but Heavenly Father must know that the monotony of my day to day uneventful life will be more of a challenge than any one large event, so this is my trial.

With that said, being a stay at home mom is not exactly my cup of tea.  I have a very hard time finding satisfaction in it.  Every so often my kids do something that makes me laugh and I feel joy for a fleeting moment, but it is fleeting.  Motivation is very hard for me to find.  I know my husband appreciates a clean house, dinner cooked, and laundry folded and put away but he definitely doesn't require it.  I do not find fulfillment in those things...so I have a hard time making myself do them, (especially when the house stays clean for exactly 1/10th of a second).  I am simply living each day waking up in the morning and waiting for night to come again.  I am not thriving and feel I am falling short of my potential.  I know this is a stage and I keep telling myself that, but then I feel like I am always waiting for something, I don't know exactly what I'm waiting for, but I'm waiting until this or that... I learned on my mission was a dangerous phrase that was and now I'm using it.  If one cannot find happiness in their current situation they will never be happy when this or that happens.  I wonder about my future and how long I am going to be in this exact situation because I know we are not done having kids and the thought of doing this for several more years scares me and depresses me.

I do not leave the house, there is not a need to, and quite frankly it is more work and more frustrating trying to get out the door than it is worth.  So I stay home and eat the day away.  I get bored and go to the fridge which is also a very unfulfilling thing.  And since I do not leave the house I rarely change out of my sweat pants, do my hair, and I’m actually lucky if I get a shower in.  I am easily irritated and quick tempered with my kids.  Bedtime is great, but then I wonder what to do with myself. Please tell me there are other people who struggle like I do because all I read about in peoples blogs are how much they love being a mom and being able to stay home with their kids.  This says to me in big fat letters on my forehead “FAILURE”.

I am not an independent person so I have never done well by myself.  Growing up, I was the youngest of 7 girls, so there was usually some sort of commotion. When all my sisters grew older and left the house I found companionship in friends and especially my best friend who is now my husband.  I used to be a social butterfly making friends easily, but I have been out of that world for so long now that I am awkward and shy away from social settings.  Talking to a 1 and 3 year old all day doesn't really lead you to deep conversations.  I find myself turning to Facebook for that social need and not only am disappointed by the lack of stimulation and mind numbing minutes I spend on it, but hate myself for the almost addiction I have created for myself.

Logically it would make sense then for me to find work outside the home, but every time I even think the thought, it is shot back down because this is something I have prayed about and I have received my answer time after time that I am supposed to stay home with my children.  I need help.  But I need the help that only I can offer myself.  I have no idea where or how to find that.  No one else is going to sit by me and make sure I’m getting enough rest, eating healthy and exercising, picking up my house, reading my scriptures, and spending quality time with my kids.  I have no one else to answer to but myself and that has never gone over very well.  I am not blessed with that intrinsic motivation as others are.  I get my “need to do” from others.  I have lived my entire life that way.  When I was young I did my homework and other things that I was supposed to because it was expected by my parents and my older siblings had set a bar for me to live by.  When I went to college I lived at a BYU standard, rule abiding, apartment and came home by curfew as to not get in trouble by my “apartment manager” or whatnot.  As a missionary, I had a handbook of strict rules clearly written out for me to follow step by step.  It was not difficult for me to follow those things.  I had to report my efforts every night to a district leader who reported to my mission president.  It has never been hard for me to keep the rules.  Today, however, I am left to myself to make and abide rules.  That is hard for me because I don’t know how high to set those standards.  I began with putting them too high. I made myself nuts and continually fell short.  Right now I think I am at the other end of the pendulum where if I don’t give myself any expectations then I can’t disappoint myself.  Well I’m disappointed at the end of the day anyway, so that doesn't work.

I love my children and all their needs are being met.  I try my best to be a good mom and offer them times for fun and learning, but sometimes I put them to bed for a nap or “quiet time” just so I can have a break from their never ending demands.  I asked my mom one time how she stayed home with 7 kids and she replied, “hobbies.”  Well, someone asked me the other day what my hobbies were and I honestly did not have an answer for them.  Oh dear!  There are things that I used to enjoy but don’t do anymore. I do enjoy crafting but finding time for it is one thing and the money for it is another. I also have a hard time justifying working on my crafts when the dishes are over flowing, the laundry is half dried and the floor is covered in toys.  Also, what am I doing them for?  Just to fill the time?  The projects I find for myself feel more like busy work that a school teacher assigns rather than something that engages and inspires.  I’m in a stay-at-home rut and need to find a way out of it!!! 

Things improve from here so please Continue Reading...
For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 2:
Words of Wisdom
For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 3:
Integrating 

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 2

Words of Wisdom
A compilation of advice from those who have
"been there."

A few of my sisters were heavenly angels in answer to my plea for help (actually all of them have been at one point or another throughout this).  I'm so grateful for their constant support.  I have tried to coordinate and summarize some of their suggestions.

1. You are not alone!  

There are many other mothers who feel the same way you are feeling.  We all have different challenges but we are all struggling and trying to work through it the best we can.  Parenting is HARD.  Some mothers thrive during the baby and toddler ages and some do not. Some mothers thrive during the older years and some do not.  That's ok.  Luckily children go through phases.

"All I ever wanted to be was a mother, and I am constantly reminded at how very unnatural this mothering thing is to me. It is a daily, constant, struggle."

Also remember that social networks like Facebook and blogs tend to over emphasize the positive and inaccurately diminish the negative so we are left feeling like Miss So and So is superwoman while we're over here trying to keep the laundry folded.  It's simply not true.

2. Get Dressed

You've heard the term "dress for success."  Well the same applies at home.  Dress like your are prepared to face the day's challenges.  If you dress like a lousy sack of potatoes you're going to feel like a lousy sack of potatoes.  There are some days when you may never leave the house (most days for me) but it still makes a difference in how you feel about yourself if you get ready.  Be patient with yourself since taking a shower when you have kids can be like an Olympic event.
"Taking a shower, getting dressed everyday, doing my hair and putting my make up on everyday makes me feel good.  Sometimes the shower, hair, and make-up has to be done in stages rather than all at once:)"
Also in this category... Make your bed.  I've never been a bed maker.  I'm just going to get back in it so why make it, right?  But it really does make a difference.  Try it.  You'll see.

3. Be Social
"Being social (at least twice a week) is HUGE for me.  I need interaction with other people.  If there is not something regularly happening, I have needed to create it.  Be persistent at inviting people to do things and don't take it personally if people can't join you."
"You HAVE to make friends!!!!"
"We have to help each other.  We need to hear that what we're going through is normal and we're not alone. We need to hear other people's ideas of how to get your child to stop (fill in the blank), and others need to hear from you!  We mommies have to stick together, but you're going to have to invite people, not wait for someone to notice or invite you."

"People need people. And it's okay to show our weaknesses and humanness to others. We don't have to put on brave faces and do this all alone and let people think we've got it all under control." 

"I decided that my hobby was being social. I went to any social event I could."

4. Exercise

"FIND an exercise friend!!!"

"Exercise makes a HUGE difference in one's health, attitude, outlook, depression, etc."

"Ok, this next one is always the hardest for me! No matter how much I do it and how much of a habit it has become it is always hard to make myself exercise (2-3 times a week).  There is nothing I enjoy about it.  Even though I never enjoy it while I am doing it, I have been consistent enough over the last several years to recognize that my well-being as a person is better when I am doing regular exercise.  It takes so much will power and there are a million excuses we can come up with why we cannot do it but for me, I know I feel better when I do. Although I my not in the moment or even in that very day.  But if I look at a month where I did regular exercise verses a month where I did not, I felt better overall during the month I did than the month I didn't."

"I know leaving the house may seem like too much work to make it worth it, but when I had preschoolers, I made a big effort to leave the house every morning, no matter what the reason. It gave us something to look forward to, to do, to get dressed and ready for, and most of all a routine that we could all stick to."

"I have learned that my daughter has a better disposition the mornings that we leave the house and go to the gym than the mornings we don't (even though she complains about going sometimes)."
"Keep healthy stuff around that's easy to snack on: fruit, nuts, yogurt, string cheese. DON'T buy ice cream, candy, crackers."

5. Seek professional help

If you have tried everything you can and are still not feeling better, get help.  Depression is real.  You do not need to feel ashamed or embarrassed about it.  Hormonal and chemical imbalances are real.  If you cannot get through it yourself seek out those with the knowledge and ability to do so.

Continue Reading...

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 1:

Word Vomit

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 3:

Integrating

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 3

Integrating
This is how I have tried to work the advice into my own life.

1. You're Not Alone
I have had to tell myself, "It's ok! This is Normal," about 3,485,000 times since I started working on being a happy and productive stay at home Mom.
I am not alone.
But it took me reaching out to others before I was really able to believe that.

2. Get Dressed
I started small.  That very first week, the only thing I focused on was getting ready every day and making my bed.  I'm not even joking, that was my only goal and I wasn't even perfect at it that week. But, I got better.  I started realizing that because I was already dressed and ready for the day that I was more willing to leave the house.  It didn't seem like that crazy of an idea.
Also, before this, getting Leilani to put her clothes on was a constant daily battle.  Well, once I was dressed and ready, problem solved.  I was leading by example.  DUH!  Why did it not occur to me that of course my toddler would not want to get dressed if her Mom wasn't even going to, (Sigh) I guess we each learn at our own pace:)
I think I was just so used to my house being the place where I wear my lounge clothes.  Never in my life have I just always been home.  I've been a social person before and have been going to school and working.  I have had to change my perspective because now my home is my job.

3. Be Social
This took some extra stepping out of my comfort zone, but I realized that this was the area I was lacking most in my life and that was pulling me down the hardest.  I didn't know of anything going on in my neighborhood so I had to create it.
I sent an invitation to mothers I knew around the area to come to a play group at my house.

I have now made and continue building friendships that I would not have otherwise.
There's a different group of people each week depending on who can make it, but we have a lot of fun and it is so good to talk to other adults, especially Moms who are in the same situation as me. If you have a Tuesday you want to join us, please come:)

4. Exercise
I cannot take credit for this one at all.  A friend from my ward asked if anyone wanted to exercise with her in the mornings and I jumped right on that!  A friend AND an exercise buddy.  I was so excited!  She keeps me motivated to get up in the mornings and we help each other try to work a little bit harder each time.  It's very casual but it fits my needs and I really do feel better the days we get together than the days we don't.

5. Seek Help

My help came in the form of an Energy Kinesiologist.  It is a natural alternative type of medicine.  There are no pills or prescriptions involved which was the biggest enticement to me since I was nursing.  It has been a wonderful experience going to her and learning more about myself and my body.  Empowering is the word that comes to mind.  You are more than welcome to contact me (in fact PLEASE contact me) if you would like a referral.

Of course I still have good days and bad days.  But as far as my overall attitude and outlook of my current life situation goes, I'm happy to be where I am and am just working little by little to improve.
The greatest thing about that first letter I wrote was that instead of those feelings pushing me down, they were trying to push me forward into changes that would be better for my life.  I was ready to make those changes, so please don't read this and think "Oh crap! I'm not doing that either! I guess I better add that to my list of a million other things I need to work on."  These are just things that worked for me, and if they help, awesome!
We can get through this crazy time together:)

Missed the first posts?  Continue Reading...

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 1:

Word Vomit

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 2:

Words of Wisdom