For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 1

Word Vomit

This blog sequence has been several months in the making.  At one of my lowest points as a stay at home mom, that point when I was seriously contemplating throwing in the towel and shouting to the world that I am a failure and not cut out for this job, I sat down and wrote everything that was on my mind.

I ended up sending it as a letter to a few of my sisters in a cry for help titled "Deciphering Word Vomit."

After I sent it, my hands started shaking and my heart started racing at the fact that I had really just laid everything out there for someone else to read.  I felt scared and vulnerable.  I wasn't exactly sure what they would think of me, but I knew I needed help and had to turn to people I trusted.

After much prayer, contemplation, and comments from several people, I am sharing it for everyone to read today.
Scary and vulnerable? Yes!  But, I have hope that after seeing where I was and how I've been working through it, something I say might help someone else, so bare with me.

Feb. 5, 2013

I am just going to vent all of the negative things that are going through my head right now so I can get them out and maybe find what it is that is really getting to me.  I am not unhappy with my life, in fact in retrospect I have absolutely nothing to complain about and everything to be grateful for, but Heavenly Father must know that the monotony of my day to day uneventful life will be more of a challenge than any one large event, so this is my trial.

With that said, being a stay at home mom is not exactly my cup of tea.  I have a very hard time finding satisfaction in it.  Every so often my kids do something that makes me laugh and I feel joy for a fleeting moment, but it is fleeting.  Motivation is very hard for me to find.  I know my husband appreciates a clean house, dinner cooked, and laundry folded and put away but he definitely doesn't require it.  I do not find fulfillment in those things...so I have a hard time making myself do them, (especially when the house stays clean for exactly 1/10th of a second).  I am simply living each day waking up in the morning and waiting for night to come again.  I am not thriving and feel I am falling short of my potential.  I know this is a stage and I keep telling myself that, but then I feel like I am always waiting for something, I don't know exactly what I'm waiting for, but I'm waiting until this or that... I learned on my mission was a dangerous phrase that was and now I'm using it.  If one cannot find happiness in their current situation they will never be happy when this or that happens.  I wonder about my future and how long I am going to be in this exact situation because I know we are not done having kids and the thought of doing this for several more years scares me and depresses me.

I do not leave the house, there is not a need to, and quite frankly it is more work and more frustrating trying to get out the door than it is worth.  So I stay home and eat the day away.  I get bored and go to the fridge which is also a very unfulfilling thing.  And since I do not leave the house I rarely change out of my sweat pants, do my hair, and I’m actually lucky if I get a shower in.  I am easily irritated and quick tempered with my kids.  Bedtime is great, but then I wonder what to do with myself. Please tell me there are other people who struggle like I do because all I read about in peoples blogs are how much they love being a mom and being able to stay home with their kids.  This says to me in big fat letters on my forehead “FAILURE”.

I am not an independent person so I have never done well by myself.  Growing up, I was the youngest of 7 girls, so there was usually some sort of commotion. When all my sisters grew older and left the house I found companionship in friends and especially my best friend who is now my husband.  I used to be a social butterfly making friends easily, but I have been out of that world for so long now that I am awkward and shy away from social settings.  Talking to a 1 and 3 year old all day doesn't really lead you to deep conversations.  I find myself turning to Facebook for that social need and not only am disappointed by the lack of stimulation and mind numbing minutes I spend on it, but hate myself for the almost addiction I have created for myself.

Logically it would make sense then for me to find work outside the home, but every time I even think the thought, it is shot back down because this is something I have prayed about and I have received my answer time after time that I am supposed to stay home with my children.  I need help.  But I need the help that only I can offer myself.  I have no idea where or how to find that.  No one else is going to sit by me and make sure I’m getting enough rest, eating healthy and exercising, picking up my house, reading my scriptures, and spending quality time with my kids.  I have no one else to answer to but myself and that has never gone over very well.  I am not blessed with that intrinsic motivation as others are.  I get my “need to do” from others.  I have lived my entire life that way.  When I was young I did my homework and other things that I was supposed to because it was expected by my parents and my older siblings had set a bar for me to live by.  When I went to college I lived at a BYU standard, rule abiding, apartment and came home by curfew as to not get in trouble by my “apartment manager” or whatnot.  As a missionary, I had a handbook of strict rules clearly written out for me to follow step by step.  It was not difficult for me to follow those things.  I had to report my efforts every night to a district leader who reported to my mission president.  It has never been hard for me to keep the rules.  Today, however, I am left to myself to make and abide rules.  That is hard for me because I don’t know how high to set those standards.  I began with putting them too high. I made myself nuts and continually fell short.  Right now I think I am at the other end of the pendulum where if I don’t give myself any expectations then I can’t disappoint myself.  Well I’m disappointed at the end of the day anyway, so that doesn't work.

I love my children and all their needs are being met.  I try my best to be a good mom and offer them times for fun and learning, but sometimes I put them to bed for a nap or “quiet time” just so I can have a break from their never ending demands.  I asked my mom one time how she stayed home with 7 kids and she replied, “hobbies.”  Well, someone asked me the other day what my hobbies were and I honestly did not have an answer for them.  Oh dear!  There are things that I used to enjoy but don’t do anymore. I do enjoy crafting but finding time for it is one thing and the money for it is another. I also have a hard time justifying working on my crafts when the dishes are over flowing, the laundry is half dried and the floor is covered in toys.  Also, what am I doing them for?  Just to fill the time?  The projects I find for myself feel more like busy work that a school teacher assigns rather than something that engages and inspires.  I’m in a stay-at-home rut and need to find a way out of it!!! 

Things improve from here so please Continue Reading...
For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 2:
Words of Wisdom
For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 3:
Integrating