For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 1

Word Vomit

This blog sequence has been several months in the making.  At one of my lowest points as a stay at home mom, that point when I was seriously contemplating throwing in the towel and shouting to the world that I am a failure and not cut out for this job, I sat down and wrote everything that was on my mind.

I ended up sending it as a letter to a few of my sisters in a cry for help titled "Deciphering Word Vomit."

After I sent it, my hands started shaking and my heart started racing at the fact that I had really just laid everything out there for someone else to read.  I felt scared and vulnerable.  I wasn't exactly sure what they would think of me, but I knew I needed help and had to turn to people I trusted.

After much prayer, contemplation, and comments from several people, I am sharing it for everyone to read today.
Scary and vulnerable? Yes!  But, I have hope that after seeing where I was and how I've been working through it, something I say might help someone else, so bare with me.

Feb. 5, 2013

I am just going to vent all of the negative things that are going through my head right now so I can get them out and maybe find what it is that is really getting to me.  I am not unhappy with my life, in fact in retrospect I have absolutely nothing to complain about and everything to be grateful for, but Heavenly Father must know that the monotony of my day to day uneventful life will be more of a challenge than any one large event, so this is my trial.

With that said, being a stay at home mom is not exactly my cup of tea.  I have a very hard time finding satisfaction in it.  Every so often my kids do something that makes me laugh and I feel joy for a fleeting moment, but it is fleeting.  Motivation is very hard for me to find.  I know my husband appreciates a clean house, dinner cooked, and laundry folded and put away but he definitely doesn't require it.  I do not find fulfillment in those things...so I have a hard time making myself do them, (especially when the house stays clean for exactly 1/10th of a second).  I am simply living each day waking up in the morning and waiting for night to come again.  I am not thriving and feel I am falling short of my potential.  I know this is a stage and I keep telling myself that, but then I feel like I am always waiting for something, I don't know exactly what I'm waiting for, but I'm waiting until this or that... I learned on my mission was a dangerous phrase that was and now I'm using it.  If one cannot find happiness in their current situation they will never be happy when this or that happens.  I wonder about my future and how long I am going to be in this exact situation because I know we are not done having kids and the thought of doing this for several more years scares me and depresses me.

I do not leave the house, there is not a need to, and quite frankly it is more work and more frustrating trying to get out the door than it is worth.  So I stay home and eat the day away.  I get bored and go to the fridge which is also a very unfulfilling thing.  And since I do not leave the house I rarely change out of my sweat pants, do my hair, and I’m actually lucky if I get a shower in.  I am easily irritated and quick tempered with my kids.  Bedtime is great, but then I wonder what to do with myself. Please tell me there are other people who struggle like I do because all I read about in peoples blogs are how much they love being a mom and being able to stay home with their kids.  This says to me in big fat letters on my forehead “FAILURE”.

I am not an independent person so I have never done well by myself.  Growing up, I was the youngest of 7 girls, so there was usually some sort of commotion. When all my sisters grew older and left the house I found companionship in friends and especially my best friend who is now my husband.  I used to be a social butterfly making friends easily, but I have been out of that world for so long now that I am awkward and shy away from social settings.  Talking to a 1 and 3 year old all day doesn't really lead you to deep conversations.  I find myself turning to Facebook for that social need and not only am disappointed by the lack of stimulation and mind numbing minutes I spend on it, but hate myself for the almost addiction I have created for myself.

Logically it would make sense then for me to find work outside the home, but every time I even think the thought, it is shot back down because this is something I have prayed about and I have received my answer time after time that I am supposed to stay home with my children.  I need help.  But I need the help that only I can offer myself.  I have no idea where or how to find that.  No one else is going to sit by me and make sure I’m getting enough rest, eating healthy and exercising, picking up my house, reading my scriptures, and spending quality time with my kids.  I have no one else to answer to but myself and that has never gone over very well.  I am not blessed with that intrinsic motivation as others are.  I get my “need to do” from others.  I have lived my entire life that way.  When I was young I did my homework and other things that I was supposed to because it was expected by my parents and my older siblings had set a bar for me to live by.  When I went to college I lived at a BYU standard, rule abiding, apartment and came home by curfew as to not get in trouble by my “apartment manager” or whatnot.  As a missionary, I had a handbook of strict rules clearly written out for me to follow step by step.  It was not difficult for me to follow those things.  I had to report my efforts every night to a district leader who reported to my mission president.  It has never been hard for me to keep the rules.  Today, however, I am left to myself to make and abide rules.  That is hard for me because I don’t know how high to set those standards.  I began with putting them too high. I made myself nuts and continually fell short.  Right now I think I am at the other end of the pendulum where if I don’t give myself any expectations then I can’t disappoint myself.  Well I’m disappointed at the end of the day anyway, so that doesn't work.

I love my children and all their needs are being met.  I try my best to be a good mom and offer them times for fun and learning, but sometimes I put them to bed for a nap or “quiet time” just so I can have a break from their never ending demands.  I asked my mom one time how she stayed home with 7 kids and she replied, “hobbies.”  Well, someone asked me the other day what my hobbies were and I honestly did not have an answer for them.  Oh dear!  There are things that I used to enjoy but don’t do anymore. I do enjoy crafting but finding time for it is one thing and the money for it is another. I also have a hard time justifying working on my crafts when the dishes are over flowing, the laundry is half dried and the floor is covered in toys.  Also, what am I doing them for?  Just to fill the time?  The projects I find for myself feel more like busy work that a school teacher assigns rather than something that engages and inspires.  I’m in a stay-at-home rut and need to find a way out of it!!! 

Things improve from here so please Continue Reading...
For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 2:
Words of Wisdom
For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 3:
Integrating 

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 2

Words of Wisdom
A compilation of advice from those who have
"been there."

A few of my sisters were heavenly angels in answer to my plea for help (actually all of them have been at one point or another throughout this).  I'm so grateful for their constant support.  I have tried to coordinate and summarize some of their suggestions.

1. You are not alone!  

There are many other mothers who feel the same way you are feeling.  We all have different challenges but we are all struggling and trying to work through it the best we can.  Parenting is HARD.  Some mothers thrive during the baby and toddler ages and some do not. Some mothers thrive during the older years and some do not.  That's ok.  Luckily children go through phases.

"All I ever wanted to be was a mother, and I am constantly reminded at how very unnatural this mothering thing is to me. It is a daily, constant, struggle."

Also remember that social networks like Facebook and blogs tend to over emphasize the positive and inaccurately diminish the negative so we are left feeling like Miss So and So is superwoman while we're over here trying to keep the laundry folded.  It's simply not true.

2. Get Dressed

You've heard the term "dress for success."  Well the same applies at home.  Dress like your are prepared to face the day's challenges.  If you dress like a lousy sack of potatoes you're going to feel like a lousy sack of potatoes.  There are some days when you may never leave the house (most days for me) but it still makes a difference in how you feel about yourself if you get ready.  Be patient with yourself since taking a shower when you have kids can be like an Olympic event.
"Taking a shower, getting dressed everyday, doing my hair and putting my make up on everyday makes me feel good.  Sometimes the shower, hair, and make-up has to be done in stages rather than all at once:)"
Also in this category... Make your bed.  I've never been a bed maker.  I'm just going to get back in it so why make it, right?  But it really does make a difference.  Try it.  You'll see.

3. Be Social
"Being social (at least twice a week) is HUGE for me.  I need interaction with other people.  If there is not something regularly happening, I have needed to create it.  Be persistent at inviting people to do things and don't take it personally if people can't join you."
"You HAVE to make friends!!!!"
"We have to help each other.  We need to hear that what we're going through is normal and we're not alone. We need to hear other people's ideas of how to get your child to stop (fill in the blank), and others need to hear from you!  We mommies have to stick together, but you're going to have to invite people, not wait for someone to notice or invite you."

"People need people. And it's okay to show our weaknesses and humanness to others. We don't have to put on brave faces and do this all alone and let people think we've got it all under control." 

"I decided that my hobby was being social. I went to any social event I could."

4. Exercise

"FIND an exercise friend!!!"

"Exercise makes a HUGE difference in one's health, attitude, outlook, depression, etc."

"Ok, this next one is always the hardest for me! No matter how much I do it and how much of a habit it has become it is always hard to make myself exercise (2-3 times a week).  There is nothing I enjoy about it.  Even though I never enjoy it while I am doing it, I have been consistent enough over the last several years to recognize that my well-being as a person is better when I am doing regular exercise.  It takes so much will power and there are a million excuses we can come up with why we cannot do it but for me, I know I feel better when I do. Although I my not in the moment or even in that very day.  But if I look at a month where I did regular exercise verses a month where I did not, I felt better overall during the month I did than the month I didn't."

"I know leaving the house may seem like too much work to make it worth it, but when I had preschoolers, I made a big effort to leave the house every morning, no matter what the reason. It gave us something to look forward to, to do, to get dressed and ready for, and most of all a routine that we could all stick to."

"I have learned that my daughter has a better disposition the mornings that we leave the house and go to the gym than the mornings we don't (even though she complains about going sometimes)."
"Keep healthy stuff around that's easy to snack on: fruit, nuts, yogurt, string cheese. DON'T buy ice cream, candy, crackers."

5. Seek professional help

If you have tried everything you can and are still not feeling better, get help.  Depression is real.  You do not need to feel ashamed or embarrassed about it.  Hormonal and chemical imbalances are real.  If you cannot get through it yourself seek out those with the knowledge and ability to do so.

Continue Reading...

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 1:

Word Vomit

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 3:

Integrating

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 3

Integrating
This is how I have tried to work the advice into my own life.

1. You're Not Alone
I have had to tell myself, "It's ok! This is Normal," about 3,485,000 times since I started working on being a happy and productive stay at home Mom.
I am not alone.
But it took me reaching out to others before I was really able to believe that.

2. Get Dressed
I started small.  That very first week, the only thing I focused on was getting ready every day and making my bed.  I'm not even joking, that was my only goal and I wasn't even perfect at it that week. But, I got better.  I started realizing that because I was already dressed and ready for the day that I was more willing to leave the house.  It didn't seem like that crazy of an idea.
Also, before this, getting Leilani to put her clothes on was a constant daily battle.  Well, once I was dressed and ready, problem solved.  I was leading by example.  DUH!  Why did it not occur to me that of course my toddler would not want to get dressed if her Mom wasn't even going to, (Sigh) I guess we each learn at our own pace:)
I think I was just so used to my house being the place where I wear my lounge clothes.  Never in my life have I just always been home.  I've been a social person before and have been going to school and working.  I have had to change my perspective because now my home is my job.

3. Be Social
This took some extra stepping out of my comfort zone, but I realized that this was the area I was lacking most in my life and that was pulling me down the hardest.  I didn't know of anything going on in my neighborhood so I had to create it.
I sent an invitation to mothers I knew around the area to come to a play group at my house.

I have now made and continue building friendships that I would not have otherwise.
There's a different group of people each week depending on who can make it, but we have a lot of fun and it is so good to talk to other adults, especially Moms who are in the same situation as me. If you have a Tuesday you want to join us, please come:)

4. Exercise
I cannot take credit for this one at all.  A friend from my ward asked if anyone wanted to exercise with her in the mornings and I jumped right on that!  A friend AND an exercise buddy.  I was so excited!  She keeps me motivated to get up in the mornings and we help each other try to work a little bit harder each time.  It's very casual but it fits my needs and I really do feel better the days we get together than the days we don't.

5. Seek Help

My help came in the form of an Energy Kinesiologist.  It is a natural alternative type of medicine.  There are no pills or prescriptions involved which was the biggest enticement to me since I was nursing.  It has been a wonderful experience going to her and learning more about myself and my body.  Empowering is the word that comes to mind.  You are more than welcome to contact me (in fact PLEASE contact me) if you would like a referral.

Of course I still have good days and bad days.  But as far as my overall attitude and outlook of my current life situation goes, I'm happy to be where I am and am just working little by little to improve.
The greatest thing about that first letter I wrote was that instead of those feelings pushing me down, they were trying to push me forward into changes that would be better for my life.  I was ready to make those changes, so please don't read this and think "Oh crap! I'm not doing that either! I guess I better add that to my list of a million other things I need to work on."  These are just things that worked for me, and if they help, awesome!
We can get through this crazy time together:)

Missed the first posts?  Continue Reading...

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 1:

Word Vomit

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 2:

Words of Wisdom

The Unexpected Guest that Made Leilani's Day

The other day I was going about my morning business, picking up toys and folding laundry when I was stopped mid track by a tail sticking out from underneath our couch.  Keep in mind we live in a rural area and are surrounded by fields so it is not uncommon to have little wanderers find their way to our dwelling.  In fact, here is a picture of two deer out in the field behind our house a few days earlier.  Pretty cool!

A tail sticking out from under your couch, however, is NOT cool!

Targhee has already had an occurrence with such an animal.  He was vacuuming underneath the couches and actually stepped on a dead mouse.  He was quite scarred by the incident. He takes extra care now when he's in charge of vacuuming to observe every inch of flooring before taking a step.  Well, it just so happens that we had cleaned the house top to bottom (a proud and rare moment for me) a day or two earlier, so I know it wasn't there then, because Targhee had vacuumed:)

It wasn't moving but it didn't look dead either.  I tested it by jiggling a few pieces of furniture nearby to see if it would scurry away just like a good mouse should but it just sort of shifted where it was.

I stayed there for several minutes saying to myself "What should I do? What should I do?"  I didn't want to touch it but I couldn't just leave it either!  Finally I mustered up all the courage I could, wadded up at least a half role of toilet paper in my hand and grabbed a jar.  I reached down and grabbed it by the tail, screaming while it wriggled in my hands and stuffed it in the jar.

...

Now what?

I seriously didn't know what to do.  I'm not a killer.  I don't even like smooshing spiders.  I usually just cover them up with some sort of containing device and leave it for someone much braver to deal with.  But it was just me and I had to be the brave one.

So I did what I usually do in crisis situations... I called my sister:)

She confirmed to me that I indeed did not have to kill it but that I could just throw it back out in the field and then it would probably die on it's own.

Great plan!

Just then Leilani came down (probably wondering why I had been gone so long).  I asked her if she wanted to see a mouse and she very enthusiastically said she would.

Meet Gus Gus

Leilani was beside herself with Disney Princess happiness.  I mean a REAL LIVE mouse had come to her house to be her friend.  She kept saying things like "Awe!  He's soo cute!" She pranced around with him for the next several minutes having all sorts of intriguing conversations. Do you see the look of pure joy on her face?

It was hilarious.  

TJ was not so amused:)

She asked me if he was sad since he wasn't moving.  I knew if I didn't jump on that one immediately we might very well be keeping this thing as a pet. So I told her yes, he was very sad because he missed his mommy and his best friend Jac Jac and that we needed to take him back to his home with his family and friends.  She understood and walked with me to the back field where she said her goodbyes and plopped him over the fence. 

So there you have it.  The rodent who increased my bravery and made my little girl's day.  Please now leave this world in peace Gus Gus.

Another One Bites the Dust

We survived another semester!

This means we only have two semesters and one internship left.

I don't know who's counting down more, Targhee or me.

Targhee took on a new job during finals week of this semester.  This meant he left the house at 6:30am (sometimes 5:30) and came home around 9:30pm and then still had to write papers and take finals.  It was a little ridiculous.  Who am I kidding?  It still is ridiculous.  It has been hard having him gone so much but we know this is a good move for our future and we are hoping this is a short term scenario.  (Please let it be short term!)

To celebrate his last final and the end of his training period at work we made him some homemade extra chocolaty brownies.  Yup! The real stuff, not even from a box.  I won't tell you how long they lasted in our house.  Let's just say, Now you see them...now you don't. 

And then took a trip to Salt Lake to see the Mummies.

He had mentioned he wanted to see this exhibit so I got us tickets and made a day out of it.

Leilani was hilarious about the whole thing.  We tried to prepare her for it so she wouldn't be scared.  It worked.  She wasn't scared at all.  In fact, the people around us were passing strange looks as she described what she saw in perfect three year old innocence.

TJ was not intrigued in the slightest.  He and I took a speedy tour and then found an open space to run.  

We ate a delicious lunch at the Olive Garden and called it a day.

I'm grateful for Targhee's continued dedication to his schooling, but most importantly that he is able to keep his family in the forefront.  I know I will be grateful for all his sacrifices in order to provide for our family in the future.  I'm just very much looking forward to the end drawing nigh. 

Easter + Wedding = Family!

My beautiful sister got married March 30th in the Bountiful Temple to a wonderfully sincere man.  

I am so happy for her!

Their families combined gives them 10 kids!

Wow!

(the two oldest boys are not in this photo)

I can't even imagine the circus when all are together, but if anyone could do it and do it with the grace and faith of my sister, then they will be just fine. 

All seven Bishop girls were able to be present!

(That makes twice in one year already! We're breaking some records I think:)

Our dinner entertainment

Mom and Dad got to Skype in for the wedding dinner.  It felt complete with them there.

The happy couple, Natalie and Anthony Leavitt.

It was a happy and beautiful day and I wish them continued happiness as they endeavor on this new adventure together.

The next day, being Easter, meant that the family celebrations continued.  We had guests at our house making Easter basket and egg finding much more fun!

Leilani was pleased with her "Merida" filled basket.

Time to dig in!

Our little Easter Bunny.

Continuing the tradition of placing the candy along every ledge of the house.

It's probably more fun for me later because every now and I then I find a missing jelly bean:)

Leilani's cousin and fellow fairy, Annie.  

It was a busy day but we got to spend it with lots of family and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So grateful for the death and resurrection of our Savior Jesus Christ who's atonement makes being with our families forever possible.

TJ Beyond One

The little guy is doing some funny things and I need to write them down before I forget.

He'll be 14 months in a few days and it still blows my mind how much they change in just a month or two.

He has always been a bit of a book snob, picking and choosing only a limited variety that he will actually sit and read (this is in total contrast to his sister) but lately it has gone to the extreme.  We have a selection of  three books:

Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See?

(it has to be the one with the slidey pictures) 

Teddy Bear Teddy Bear

and occasionally

My First Book of Learning Words

He will point to a picture over and over and over saying "Dat?" you say, "Duck," he says, "Dat?" you say, "Duck." It's really fun... :)

He has also decided he's a bit of a food snob.

What?

What's that you say?

My monster truck eater has changed his pace and is now quite selective about the foods he decides to swallow.  I say swallow because he will put something in his mouth, chew/suck for a second, and then spits it out and the rest of it goes on the floor.

BOOO!!!!

Keep your fingers crossed this is a phase and not the beginning of a picky eater.  I wouldn't even know what to do with that.

Such a stud on his new rocking horse.

A rare occasion where I walked in the room and he stayed asleep.  I guess he's a light sleeper because I've never been able to catch this before.  Love sleeping babies.

He got his first big boy haircut after Easter weekend.
Before: "Uh Mom! It's time to let go of the locks"

(p.s. We are just barely getting him to keep shoes on. After a year of listening to little old ladies mention how he needs shoes on his feet, I will finally be able to oblige:) 

Luckily the sucker did the trick and he "stayed still" enough that we didn't chop his ear off or anything.  Eek!

After: "Cheers to the new due Mom"

He is a busy body!  But, one of my favorite things is he will come and check in with me with a hug or a little lap time for a second and then be on his way again.  That kind of attention I can handle anytime.

Oh ya! And he also loves to be naked. lol. 

We love this little guy so much!

Casper...A Friendly Ghost

A conversation I had with Leilani in the car today:

Mom.  It's Casper's birthday today!

It is?  Well happy birthday Casper! How old is he?

Um...4.  And I have a cake for him too.

What kind of cake is it?

White cake.  Because white is his favorite color, because he's white (using her "obviously" voice).

Are you going to have him blow out the candles?

He already did.

Oh.

And now he's giving some of it to his bats.  I'm so proud of him!  He's sharing!

Her imaginary world never ceases to amaze me.

And apparently she felt there was too long of a silence in the car:)

Also I guess you should know that Casper often comes with us on car trips.  Sometimes he flies beside us and other times he rests with us in the car.  He's been a good ghost to her, keeping her company when she needs a friend and helping chase off the other scary ghosts that seem to lurk around the dark.  It's nice to have a friendly ghost on your side.

AND I guess you should also know that Casper the Friendly Ghost and the Holy Ghost are one in the same to my Leilani:)

I Got To Go Out!

Time out of my home and away from my children is few and far between so I always try to document when it happens.
I got to go out with some friends/fellow young women leaders Friday night to a play one of our young women was in.
Suessical the Musical.
I'd never heard of it but it was pretty darn cute and way fun to just go be entertained.
I loved just sitting and not being needed every five seconds for a drink, or to fix a broken toy, or to take to the potty, or just to be whined at.  Thanks Kym and Jessica for not whining at me;)

We needed an extra seat so Camille volunteered to be our stow away in the luxurious "back seat" :)

Then Saturday morning I got up bright and early and headed to Springville to a bridal shower for Erin, a sister I served with from my mission.  I haven't been able to attend a lot of things where fellow missionaries have gathered since I don't live around Provo like the rest of the DC mission :)  So I was super excited that I could go to this one.  I got to spend the morning with these amazing women and can I just say how much I LOVE being around them!  They are people who truly make you feel better about yourself just by being in their company.  I was blessed to be able to serve with so many amazing sisters and have missed that uplifting feeling they offer.  You can just tell they are women of faith, strength, and sincerity.  So thank you Heather, Erin, and Mindy for just being you! 

Love them!

On my drive home I had time to think to myself and was just so grateful for the little tender mercies of that weekend. I actually had positive uplifting thoughts of my own!

That may sound a little ridiculous to some of you, but positive thoughts aren't often voluntarily floating through my mind. I am regularly fighting off those demons of "I'm not good enough" and "What do I have to offer?"

so hearing myself say "I'm ok."  "I am doing ok and I can continue doing ok." was very empowering.  I came home refreshed and ready to conquer to role of stay-at-home-mother.

Guess I need to get out more!

A Family Casualty and Resurrection

If you read THIS post about our family member Bears you will understand the travesty we experienced a couple weeks ago.

I ran downstairs on cue to a toe curling scream and subsequent sobbing from a heart broken Leilani.  Through her crocodile tears she said, "Bears got broken!"

Sure enough Bears got too close to the fire and became a burn victim.

His injuries were severe and my heart broke with her as I tried to explain there wouldn't be a whole lot I could do to fix him.  

I immediately went to the internet in search of a replacement which we should have done as soon as we found out how attached she was to it, but alas all the ones that looked even close were around $50-$70, a little out of our price range.

That night for bedtime I tried to give him to her, but she refused.  He was as good as dead as far as she was concerned.

Well, the "Fix it Felix" in me kicked in and I made a trip to the fabric store.  $7 and a few stitches later we had this

I'd say it was a much needed improvement.  Perhaps this self destructive act was a silent outcry from Bears for a well deserved make-over.