TJ at 18 Months

Ahh! I'm 18 months old!!

This little man seriously makes my day.

He is getting too stinkin smart.

He's starting to talk and will repeat practically anything you ask of him almost perfectly, but is only barely starting to use words voluntarily.

He will sing with me though.  I can leave off the end of a sentence to almost any nursery song and he will fill in the missing word, or letter in the case of the ABC's.

My favorite thing he says is "ai oo" (Thank you!) He will say it a million times a day and any time I give him anything.  I hope he continues to cultivate this heart of gratitude.  It's a good quality to have:)

He likes to count with me and point to things in a book but usually gets stuck on repeat of "two tree two tree two tree." 

He is one of the most easy going people I know.  He adapts well to change and is always happiest when there are people around.

So far I can pretty much handle anything this kid dishes out to me but he has begun a habit of whining that I think should cease, if not immediately, very shortly!  I guess nobody's perfect:) 

He does spend quite a bit of time with this stroller.  Obviously the little seat is gone in this picture, but he loves figuring out how things work so when the seat is assembled... he snaps the little belt together and then pushes it over to me and says "open" so he can do it again and again. 

I told him to say "CHEESE" 

It has taken some time but he is learning to love books and is willing to sit just a tiny bit longer.

 He's such a loving boy and always ready to give some mooches.

He must have worked pretty hard on this hairdo one night.

He is still an awesome eater!  I have yet to find something that he absolutely refuses to eat.  Hallelujah to good eaters!!

He has a strange obsession with doors.  They must ALWAYS be shut!  OR if at any time they must be opened, they must be thrust completely opened until you hear the banging sound of them hitting the wall.  Sigh.  Sorry, Mom and Dad, there are a few TJ original door dents in the walls...

TJ is notorious for hiding objects.  He loves to stick things into other things.  Many belongings have been lost via TJ, including an enormous garbage can lid (never found it by the way) several shoes, my hand held mirror and who knows what else. He is the male version of Cinderella.  I have a whole collection of just ONE shoe.

This is me playing operation on the heater vent.

And here's all his trinkets and treasures he stuffed in there. 

And in spite of what these pictures portray he does love his sister very much!
He spends hours chasing her around, and like all little brothers, gets his giggles from tormenting her.

And apparently she gets a few from tormenting him as well:)

He is such a sweet, loving boy.  I am grateful everyday that he was sent to our family. He has been such a great blessing in all our lives (and even though you might hear differently from Leilani, she kinda likes him too:)

I can't believe he's not a baby anymore!  These numbers are proof that he's a BIG boy!

Height: 35.5 inches  99%

Weight: 26.8 pounds  82%

Head: 47 cm  39%

Best Month Ever!

We have had an awesome summer.  I've been enjoying it so much but have been absolutely rubbish at documenting it. Darn it!

We had my sister and her family here from Kentucky the first week of July and loved having them with us.  I was asking Targhee afterward how the house was kept so much cleaner with 4 extra people in it than with just us and realized it was because I was off of entertainment duty.  The cousins kept each other happy and I was left to do regular house chores without whiny children at my feet.  Awesome!!  I decided I needed to put a request in for a perma-cousin immediately! 

It was HOT HOT HOT all week so Monday I pulled out the pool and sprinklers and tried to keep the kids cool.  Uncle Mike (my brother-in-law) joined the water festivities and became the water gun target.  The kids loved it. 

Mike then graciously took babysitting duty while Tara (my sister) and I shook our booties off at Zumba.  It's my new obsession and I'm thinking it's not such a bad obsession to have.  I look ridiculous but I absolutely love feeling all sweaty and like I had a good workout.  The first time I went I was DYING, but I must be getting better because I don't even realize I've been "shakin" for a full hour any more. If I could do it every day I would, but right now I'm trying to be happy that I get to go one night a week.

Anyway, when we got home they were watching a movie and this was TJ glued to the TV.

He hasn't really been into shows like Leilani is but he was just nice and cozy in Mike's lap and so zoned on the screen he didn't even turn when I came down the stairs.  Too funny.

Tuesday we went to the Roy Aquatic Center and splashed the day away.  We were in the water too much and I didn't get any good pictures but here is my diaper bum TJ running off to visit a few neighbors (he's very friendly and always interested in what everyone around us is doing).  He was a bit cautious about the water at first but progressively as the day went on he became a little alligator crawling through the children's cove and protested when I had to get him out to leave.

Leilani on the other hand jumped right in, both feet first.  I think it's a little funny because I feel like my children's approach to water is almost in exact similitude to their approach to life.  I also find it hilarious because we did swim lessons at the beginning of the summer and the little college student swim teachers failed Leilani because she wouldn't put her head under water.  Well, I almost can't get her to keep her head above water now, so take that Weber State swim team:)  Her little eyes were so red though, I felt so bad, and then my niece offered her goggles and Leilani thought they were the COOLEST things ever.  Guess we need to invest in some goggles.

Thursday was the Fourth of July.  We all met up at my sister's house and played water games.  It was hilarious and fun.  It even rained on us for a good 20 minutes but it didn't matter much since we were already wet.

TJ being a ham.  He loves to make people laugh.

My sisters and I

Me, Tiffany, Taralie, and Natalie

Slip'n Slide Contest

The Banana Peeler

The Poser

The Sphinx

Leilani did this all the way down the mat in between other sliders.  They were good sports to let her "cut" in line:) 

Here's the sliding champion, my niece's friend (she's not calling him a boy friend yet, but he's such a cutie I can't imagine why not;)  The rest of us didn't really have a chance with these skills.

The Twister

and The Attempter.  We all gave him 10's for effort:)

Friday we went to the trampoline park.  We got a two hour pass and found out very quickly that we weren't going to last that long.  Jumping is a lot of work!  But it was seriously fun.

Tara attempting her first front flip into the pit.

Success!

TJ again was a little hesitant but as the hour progressed he could jump with the best of them.

Tyler mid flip

Proof that I once was a gymnast.  I actually probably had the most fun bouncing and flipping and twirling.  I was getting pretty good by the time we left but it wasn't until later that night that I realized I'm not 13 any more. Ouch!!

Sabey's dance moves

Leilani in energy expending bliss.

Basketball lessons

We decided just to do some fireworks at home.  I only bought about $10 worth of fireworks so you can imagine how lame there were, but the kids were just as happy all the same.  They didn't know any different:)

Leilani's fairy wands

TJ was a little skeptical about this whole playing with fire activity.

Our most exciting firework!

The audience was captivated

I loved having an entire week to spend with my sister and her family.  Her oldest two boys were off to EFY but we got to see them the next week at Island Park. 

All of those tales are yet to come! 

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 1

Word Vomit

This blog sequence has been several months in the making.  At one of my lowest points as a stay at home mom, that point when I was seriously contemplating throwing in the towel and shouting to the world that I am a failure and not cut out for this job, I sat down and wrote everything that was on my mind.

I ended up sending it as a letter to a few of my sisters in a cry for help titled "Deciphering Word Vomit."

After I sent it, my hands started shaking and my heart started racing at the fact that I had really just laid everything out there for someone else to read.  I felt scared and vulnerable.  I wasn't exactly sure what they would think of me, but I knew I needed help and had to turn to people I trusted.

After much prayer, contemplation, and comments from several people, I am sharing it for everyone to read today.
Scary and vulnerable? Yes!  But, I have hope that after seeing where I was and how I've been working through it, something I say might help someone else, so bare with me.

Feb. 5, 2013

I am just going to vent all of the negative things that are going through my head right now so I can get them out and maybe find what it is that is really getting to me.  I am not unhappy with my life, in fact in retrospect I have absolutely nothing to complain about and everything to be grateful for, but Heavenly Father must know that the monotony of my day to day uneventful life will be more of a challenge than any one large event, so this is my trial.

With that said, being a stay at home mom is not exactly my cup of tea.  I have a very hard time finding satisfaction in it.  Every so often my kids do something that makes me laugh and I feel joy for a fleeting moment, but it is fleeting.  Motivation is very hard for me to find.  I know my husband appreciates a clean house, dinner cooked, and laundry folded and put away but he definitely doesn't require it.  I do not find fulfillment in those things...so I have a hard time making myself do them, (especially when the house stays clean for exactly 1/10th of a second).  I am simply living each day waking up in the morning and waiting for night to come again.  I am not thriving and feel I am falling short of my potential.  I know this is a stage and I keep telling myself that, but then I feel like I am always waiting for something, I don't know exactly what I'm waiting for, but I'm waiting until this or that... I learned on my mission was a dangerous phrase that was and now I'm using it.  If one cannot find happiness in their current situation they will never be happy when this or that happens.  I wonder about my future and how long I am going to be in this exact situation because I know we are not done having kids and the thought of doing this for several more years scares me and depresses me.

I do not leave the house, there is not a need to, and quite frankly it is more work and more frustrating trying to get out the door than it is worth.  So I stay home and eat the day away.  I get bored and go to the fridge which is also a very unfulfilling thing.  And since I do not leave the house I rarely change out of my sweat pants, do my hair, and I’m actually lucky if I get a shower in.  I am easily irritated and quick tempered with my kids.  Bedtime is great, but then I wonder what to do with myself. Please tell me there are other people who struggle like I do because all I read about in peoples blogs are how much they love being a mom and being able to stay home with their kids.  This says to me in big fat letters on my forehead “FAILURE”.

I am not an independent person so I have never done well by myself.  Growing up, I was the youngest of 7 girls, so there was usually some sort of commotion. When all my sisters grew older and left the house I found companionship in friends and especially my best friend who is now my husband.  I used to be a social butterfly making friends easily, but I have been out of that world for so long now that I am awkward and shy away from social settings.  Talking to a 1 and 3 year old all day doesn't really lead you to deep conversations.  I find myself turning to Facebook for that social need and not only am disappointed by the lack of stimulation and mind numbing minutes I spend on it, but hate myself for the almost addiction I have created for myself.

Logically it would make sense then for me to find work outside the home, but every time I even think the thought, it is shot back down because this is something I have prayed about and I have received my answer time after time that I am supposed to stay home with my children.  I need help.  But I need the help that only I can offer myself.  I have no idea where or how to find that.  No one else is going to sit by me and make sure I’m getting enough rest, eating healthy and exercising, picking up my house, reading my scriptures, and spending quality time with my kids.  I have no one else to answer to but myself and that has never gone over very well.  I am not blessed with that intrinsic motivation as others are.  I get my “need to do” from others.  I have lived my entire life that way.  When I was young I did my homework and other things that I was supposed to because it was expected by my parents and my older siblings had set a bar for me to live by.  When I went to college I lived at a BYU standard, rule abiding, apartment and came home by curfew as to not get in trouble by my “apartment manager” or whatnot.  As a missionary, I had a handbook of strict rules clearly written out for me to follow step by step.  It was not difficult for me to follow those things.  I had to report my efforts every night to a district leader who reported to my mission president.  It has never been hard for me to keep the rules.  Today, however, I am left to myself to make and abide rules.  That is hard for me because I don’t know how high to set those standards.  I began with putting them too high. I made myself nuts and continually fell short.  Right now I think I am at the other end of the pendulum where if I don’t give myself any expectations then I can’t disappoint myself.  Well I’m disappointed at the end of the day anyway, so that doesn't work.

I love my children and all their needs are being met.  I try my best to be a good mom and offer them times for fun and learning, but sometimes I put them to bed for a nap or “quiet time” just so I can have a break from their never ending demands.  I asked my mom one time how she stayed home with 7 kids and she replied, “hobbies.”  Well, someone asked me the other day what my hobbies were and I honestly did not have an answer for them.  Oh dear!  There are things that I used to enjoy but don’t do anymore. I do enjoy crafting but finding time for it is one thing and the money for it is another. I also have a hard time justifying working on my crafts when the dishes are over flowing, the laundry is half dried and the floor is covered in toys.  Also, what am I doing them for?  Just to fill the time?  The projects I find for myself feel more like busy work that a school teacher assigns rather than something that engages and inspires.  I’m in a stay-at-home rut and need to find a way out of it!!! 

Things improve from here so please Continue Reading...
For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 2:
Words of Wisdom
For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 3:
Integrating 

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 2

Words of Wisdom
A compilation of advice from those who have
"been there."

A few of my sisters were heavenly angels in answer to my plea for help (actually all of them have been at one point or another throughout this).  I'm so grateful for their constant support.  I have tried to coordinate and summarize some of their suggestions.

1. You are not alone!  

There are many other mothers who feel the same way you are feeling.  We all have different challenges but we are all struggling and trying to work through it the best we can.  Parenting is HARD.  Some mothers thrive during the baby and toddler ages and some do not. Some mothers thrive during the older years and some do not.  That's ok.  Luckily children go through phases.

"All I ever wanted to be was a mother, and I am constantly reminded at how very unnatural this mothering thing is to me. It is a daily, constant, struggle."

Also remember that social networks like Facebook and blogs tend to over emphasize the positive and inaccurately diminish the negative so we are left feeling like Miss So and So is superwoman while we're over here trying to keep the laundry folded.  It's simply not true.

2. Get Dressed

You've heard the term "dress for success."  Well the same applies at home.  Dress like your are prepared to face the day's challenges.  If you dress like a lousy sack of potatoes you're going to feel like a lousy sack of potatoes.  There are some days when you may never leave the house (most days for me) but it still makes a difference in how you feel about yourself if you get ready.  Be patient with yourself since taking a shower when you have kids can be like an Olympic event.
"Taking a shower, getting dressed everyday, doing my hair and putting my make up on everyday makes me feel good.  Sometimes the shower, hair, and make-up has to be done in stages rather than all at once:)"
Also in this category... Make your bed.  I've never been a bed maker.  I'm just going to get back in it so why make it, right?  But it really does make a difference.  Try it.  You'll see.

3. Be Social
"Being social (at least twice a week) is HUGE for me.  I need interaction with other people.  If there is not something regularly happening, I have needed to create it.  Be persistent at inviting people to do things and don't take it personally if people can't join you."
"You HAVE to make friends!!!!"
"We have to help each other.  We need to hear that what we're going through is normal and we're not alone. We need to hear other people's ideas of how to get your child to stop (fill in the blank), and others need to hear from you!  We mommies have to stick together, but you're going to have to invite people, not wait for someone to notice or invite you."

"People need people. And it's okay to show our weaknesses and humanness to others. We don't have to put on brave faces and do this all alone and let people think we've got it all under control." 

"I decided that my hobby was being social. I went to any social event I could."

4. Exercise

"FIND an exercise friend!!!"

"Exercise makes a HUGE difference in one's health, attitude, outlook, depression, etc."

"Ok, this next one is always the hardest for me! No matter how much I do it and how much of a habit it has become it is always hard to make myself exercise (2-3 times a week).  There is nothing I enjoy about it.  Even though I never enjoy it while I am doing it, I have been consistent enough over the last several years to recognize that my well-being as a person is better when I am doing regular exercise.  It takes so much will power and there are a million excuses we can come up with why we cannot do it but for me, I know I feel better when I do. Although I my not in the moment or even in that very day.  But if I look at a month where I did regular exercise verses a month where I did not, I felt better overall during the month I did than the month I didn't."

"I know leaving the house may seem like too much work to make it worth it, but when I had preschoolers, I made a big effort to leave the house every morning, no matter what the reason. It gave us something to look forward to, to do, to get dressed and ready for, and most of all a routine that we could all stick to."

"I have learned that my daughter has a better disposition the mornings that we leave the house and go to the gym than the mornings we don't (even though she complains about going sometimes)."
"Keep healthy stuff around that's easy to snack on: fruit, nuts, yogurt, string cheese. DON'T buy ice cream, candy, crackers."

5. Seek professional help

If you have tried everything you can and are still not feeling better, get help.  Depression is real.  You do not need to feel ashamed or embarrassed about it.  Hormonal and chemical imbalances are real.  If you cannot get through it yourself seek out those with the knowledge and ability to do so.

Continue Reading...

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 1:

Word Vomit

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 3:

Integrating

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 3

Integrating
This is how I have tried to work the advice into my own life.

1. You're Not Alone
I have had to tell myself, "It's ok! This is Normal," about 3,485,000 times since I started working on being a happy and productive stay at home Mom.
I am not alone.
But it took me reaching out to others before I was really able to believe that.

2. Get Dressed
I started small.  That very first week, the only thing I focused on was getting ready every day and making my bed.  I'm not even joking, that was my only goal and I wasn't even perfect at it that week. But, I got better.  I started realizing that because I was already dressed and ready for the day that I was more willing to leave the house.  It didn't seem like that crazy of an idea.
Also, before this, getting Leilani to put her clothes on was a constant daily battle.  Well, once I was dressed and ready, problem solved.  I was leading by example.  DUH!  Why did it not occur to me that of course my toddler would not want to get dressed if her Mom wasn't even going to, (Sigh) I guess we each learn at our own pace:)
I think I was just so used to my house being the place where I wear my lounge clothes.  Never in my life have I just always been home.  I've been a social person before and have been going to school and working.  I have had to change my perspective because now my home is my job.

3. Be Social
This took some extra stepping out of my comfort zone, but I realized that this was the area I was lacking most in my life and that was pulling me down the hardest.  I didn't know of anything going on in my neighborhood so I had to create it.
I sent an invitation to mothers I knew around the area to come to a play group at my house.

I have now made and continue building friendships that I would not have otherwise.
There's a different group of people each week depending on who can make it, but we have a lot of fun and it is so good to talk to other adults, especially Moms who are in the same situation as me. If you have a Tuesday you want to join us, please come:)

4. Exercise
I cannot take credit for this one at all.  A friend from my ward asked if anyone wanted to exercise with her in the mornings and I jumped right on that!  A friend AND an exercise buddy.  I was so excited!  She keeps me motivated to get up in the mornings and we help each other try to work a little bit harder each time.  It's very casual but it fits my needs and I really do feel better the days we get together than the days we don't.

5. Seek Help

My help came in the form of an Energy Kinesiologist.  It is a natural alternative type of medicine.  There are no pills or prescriptions involved which was the biggest enticement to me since I was nursing.  It has been a wonderful experience going to her and learning more about myself and my body.  Empowering is the word that comes to mind.  You are more than welcome to contact me (in fact PLEASE contact me) if you would like a referral.

Of course I still have good days and bad days.  But as far as my overall attitude and outlook of my current life situation goes, I'm happy to be where I am and am just working little by little to improve.
The greatest thing about that first letter I wrote was that instead of those feelings pushing me down, they were trying to push me forward into changes that would be better for my life.  I was ready to make those changes, so please don't read this and think "Oh crap! I'm not doing that either! I guess I better add that to my list of a million other things I need to work on."  These are just things that worked for me, and if they help, awesome!
We can get through this crazy time together:)

Missed the first posts?  Continue Reading...

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 1:

Word Vomit

For the Struggling Stay At Home Mom Part 2:

Words of Wisdom

The Unexpected Guest that Made Leilani's Day

The other day I was going about my morning business, picking up toys and folding laundry when I was stopped mid track by a tail sticking out from underneath our couch.  Keep in mind we live in a rural area and are surrounded by fields so it is not uncommon to have little wanderers find their way to our dwelling.  In fact, here is a picture of two deer out in the field behind our house a few days earlier.  Pretty cool!

A tail sticking out from under your couch, however, is NOT cool!

Targhee has already had an occurrence with such an animal.  He was vacuuming underneath the couches and actually stepped on a dead mouse.  He was quite scarred by the incident. He takes extra care now when he's in charge of vacuuming to observe every inch of flooring before taking a step.  Well, it just so happens that we had cleaned the house top to bottom (a proud and rare moment for me) a day or two earlier, so I know it wasn't there then, because Targhee had vacuumed:)

It wasn't moving but it didn't look dead either.  I tested it by jiggling a few pieces of furniture nearby to see if it would scurry away just like a good mouse should but it just sort of shifted where it was.

I stayed there for several minutes saying to myself "What should I do? What should I do?"  I didn't want to touch it but I couldn't just leave it either!  Finally I mustered up all the courage I could, wadded up at least a half role of toilet paper in my hand and grabbed a jar.  I reached down and grabbed it by the tail, screaming while it wriggled in my hands and stuffed it in the jar.

...

Now what?

I seriously didn't know what to do.  I'm not a killer.  I don't even like smooshing spiders.  I usually just cover them up with some sort of containing device and leave it for someone much braver to deal with.  But it was just me and I had to be the brave one.

So I did what I usually do in crisis situations... I called my sister:)

She confirmed to me that I indeed did not have to kill it but that I could just throw it back out in the field and then it would probably die on it's own.

Great plan!

Just then Leilani came down (probably wondering why I had been gone so long).  I asked her if she wanted to see a mouse and she very enthusiastically said she would.

Meet Gus Gus

Leilani was beside herself with Disney Princess happiness.  I mean a REAL LIVE mouse had come to her house to be her friend.  She kept saying things like "Awe!  He's soo cute!" She pranced around with him for the next several minutes having all sorts of intriguing conversations. Do you see the look of pure joy on her face?

It was hilarious.  

TJ was not so amused:)

She asked me if he was sad since he wasn't moving.  I knew if I didn't jump on that one immediately we might very well be keeping this thing as a pet. So I told her yes, he was very sad because he missed his mommy and his best friend Jac Jac and that we needed to take him back to his home with his family and friends.  She understood and walked with me to the back field where she said her goodbyes and plopped him over the fence. 

So there you have it.  The rodent who increased my bravery and made my little girl's day.  Please now leave this world in peace Gus Gus.